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Archie in Intrinsic Rewards

Started by PTF, June 17, 2016, 02:32:30 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

PTF

 (Archie is walking along the mall with Reggie, Betty, and Veronica. Veronica has several shopping bags hung on both arms, Betty has a small bag, and Reggie has a small bag from Pranksters Isle.)

Archie: Hey, has anyone seen Jughead?

Reggie: Yeah, the guy with the black hole for a gut is still at the food court.

(Veronica turns to Betty as they continue to walk along.)

Veronica: Just leave him. I'll wave a candy bar wrapper to call him back when we're preparing to leave.

Betty: Hey, he's just getting what he came for like the rest of us.

(Betty looks in her bag as we see it has small cooking pans and spatulas.)

Betty: I went to Cook Paradise and got a few new cooking sheets to fix my Archie his favorite treats.

(Veronica looks over at Archie as we can see Veronica's bags are filled with dresses and bathing suits. Archie has his dopey smile and is blushing)

Veronica: You can have your pots and pans. I got something my Archie will love to look at.

Archie: Well, um...

(Reggie walks over to Archie and puts his arm carrying his bag over Archie's shoulder and points to it with his free hand. Inside the bag we can see itching powder, thumb tacks and an electric buzzer. Archie has a worried look on his face.)

Reggie: Hey, I was thinking of you on this trip to the mall, too, carrot top.

Archie: Gulp.

(Betty looks at Archie as Archie has his hands in his wallet.)

Betty: But Archie, you haven't bought a single thing.

(Reggie is laughing at Archie as Archie reluctantly nods his heads and rolls his eyes up as he begins to flashback)

Reggie: Hey, when you're the klutz of Riverdale, you make payments for the next seven years even when you window shop!

Archie: That comment wouldn't bother me so much if it wasn't true...

(Archie is having a flashback of him and his dad in the basement working on the pipes. A pipe is just above Archie's head as a spider is lowering itself on a spider web in front of him. Archie is holding a wrench as his father is bent down to examine the pipes.)

Archie: See what's wrong, Pops?

Archie's Dad: Not just yet...

(Archie is watching his dad as the spider lowers itself downwards towards Archie's eyes.)

Archie's Dad: Wait just one second.

(Archie's face goes white as the spider is right at his eyes.)

Archie's Dad: It just needs tightening. Archie, hand me the wrench.

(Archie screams and jumps in the air. The wrench in his hand hits the pipe above him.)

(The top of the wrench punctures a hole in the pipe as water begins to poor out.)

SPLOOOSHHH

(Archie, with a guilty expression on his face, is being doused by water as his father turns and glares at Archie.)

Archie: Um...I think we might have to do more than tighten a pipe.

(Back to the mall Archie has an humiliated look on his face. Reggie is trying to hold his laughter as Betty talks. Veronica eyes Betty suspiciously.)

Archie: So that's where most of my money went.

Betty: Yeah, The Andrews had to use my family's washer and dryer all this week!

(Veronica leans over to talk with Betty so the two boys behind them can't hear. Archie is covering his ears with both hands as Reggie is annoying him.)

Veronica: Pray tell, Betty...is that where the help ended?

(Betty tries to avoid Veronica's eyes as she has a guilty look on her face.)

Betty: Well, I did help Archie with his shirts, jeans, and—well...

(Veronica is yelling at Betty as Betty tries to stop smiling. Archie turns his head to the left as he notices a section of the mall.)

Veronica: Betty Cooper! I never pictured you being so scheming!

Betty: Ronnie, washing and ironing someone's clothes isn't scheming!

Veronica: When you go behind my back to wash the shirt that came off of Archie's back, it's the epitome of scheming!

(Archie is going into a section of the mall that sells DVD called Discount Video Dimensions as Betty and Veronica continue to argue. Reggie is rolling his eyes as he listens to the girls argue.)

Archie: You guys try and reprieve Jughead from the food court and wait for me at the car. I'll be a quick second.

Veronica: Hmph. With the generic detergent your family uses, I'm surprised he doesn't have a rash from his head to his toes.

(Reggie is gently pushing Betty and Veronica along as they argue and other people begin to stare.)

Reggie: Why can't two girls ever fight over me like this?

(The girls turn and eye Reggie as he proudly sticks out his chest as if he's a great prize for both girls.)

(The girls go back to arguing about Archie with one another as Reggie makes a sour face as his sneers shifts to his left face cheek.)

Betty: I'll have you know I only used the finest detergent and softener for Archie's varsity jacket!

Veronica: With that rickety tin box you call a washer? That varsity jacket took more hits than his shoulder pads during last night's football game!

(Archie is at the end of a row of DVDs as he is looking through the titles. Archie has two DVD boxes in his hand and using the other to read the back of a DVD box.)

Archie: Wow, they have some really nice classics here. I bet the girls would love some of these.

(Archie is putting one dvd box back, causing the others to tip over like dominoes.)

Archie: As long as I don't show Veronica the receipt that is—oops.

(The line of DVD boxes continue to fall and hits a new stand of the movie The Smerfs (like smurfs only green skin), knocking the entire display, cardboard cut ups and all over. The clerk looks from his counter angrily.)

CRASSHH

Clerk: Hey!

(Archie begins to bend over, but the Clerk points at him to stop.)

Archie: I'm sorry, Mister. Let me pick them up and—

Clerk: I think I'd rather have you leave. But not before you pay for something.

(Archie forces a smile as he picks up two DVDs as a new clerk takes over as the old one is fixing the display. Archie hands him money as he wants to hurry and leave while the older clerk is busy.)

Younger Clerk: Okay, that will be—

Archie: Sure.

Younger Clerk: And your change.

Archie: Eh, I'd just have a few pennies left, you keep it.

(Archie is walking out as the old clerk glares at him as he steadies the display back up. The new clerk is tapping on the scanner on his bench as it seems to not be working.

New clerk: Um, boss, I think the scanner is—

Old clerk: I don't normally like to give money to another business, but you should have given him his change so he could be some new thoughts!

(Archie looks over his two DVDs with mild enjoyment on his face.)

Archie: Be Faithful to Your Deputy and Be Faithful to Your Courthouse. Haven't seen too many comedy-westerns, but they look fun.

(Archie and the gang are getting out of the car in Archie's driveway. Archie is getting out of the driver side, Reggie is getting out of the passenger. Betty is happily getting out of the car. Jughead has a sullen look on his face. The trunk is packed near bursting with most of Veronica's shopping bags being nearly too much for the trunk door to stay.

Reggie: Western Comedy? I've never even watched a western.

Jughead: And you've never been funny, so this should be a whole new experience for you.


(Betty, holding the plastic bag with the DVDs, looks over at Jughead as he seems unhappy.)

Betty: Jughead, are you still mad about having to leave?

Jughead: Hey, you guys got what you wanted, but I only got to the Make Your Own Cookie.

Betty: The cookie was just as big as you!

(Jughead turns his head.)

Jughead: Ants carry twice their body weight; I eat twice my body weight.

(Betty smirks as Jughead eyes her.)

Betty: How about I make some popcorn while we watch one of the movies?

(Jughead leaps out of the car as Betty laughs.)

Jughead: Extra butter and you're forgiven for all trespasses.

(Veronica is getting out of the back seat as she looks at the closed trunk. Archie is holding the door for her.)

Veronica: Archie, you do think my valuables will be safe for the next two hours? I have Katy Keen in there.

Archie: C'mon, Ron, does this look like the neighborhood that would break into someone's trunk?

(Everyone is going inside except Veronica who is eyeing a female from across the street as she is watering her plant.)

Archie: C'mon. Mom and Pops shouldn't be back for at least a few hours.

(The neighbor notices Veronica staring at her.)

(Veronica is walking backwards into the Andrews house as she does the "I'm keeping my eyes on you" motion with her two fingers)

(The neighbor is confused and over watering her plants as Veronica slams the door behind her.)

SLAM

Neighbor: ?

(They are in the living room preparing to watch one of the DVDs. Archie and Veronica are sitting on the living room couch, Reggie is sitting on the floor. Jughead and Betty are coming into the living room with the popcorn. Veronica has her head on Archie's left shoulder. Reggie eyes Archie jealously. Betty is carrying the popcorn as Jughead is taking handfuls and eating them. The bag with the DVDs is next to Reggie.)

Veronica: Isn't this perfect, Archie?

Reggie: Perfection is a matter of opinion and location.

(Jughead suddenly flops down in between Veronica and Archie.)

Jughead: Make way!

Plop

Veronica: !!

(Betty jumps in between Veronica and Jughead, forcing Veronica to the end of the couch where she is far from comfortable.)

Betty: Coming through!!

PLOP

Veronica: Betty!

(Veronica is exchanging words with Betty, who smiles and shrugs her shoulders, as Jughead takes the popcorn bowl and puts it on his lap as he looking keenly at it. Archie has the remote in hand. Reggie is getting the DVDs out as the receipt falls out.)

Betty: Sorry. When in Rome.

Veronica: In Rome they used to feed poor people to lions while rich people watched.

Jughead: I counted each little pop of you...

Archie: Reg, you mind putting a disc in?

Reggie: Yeah, yeah...

(Reggie eyes the receipt.)

Reggie: Wait a sec...

(Reggie is looking at the receipt in one hand and the DVDs in another.)

Reggie: Freckles, you got two DVDs, right?

Archie: The ones in your hand, yeah. Why?

(Reggie hands Archie the receipt.)

Reggie: Well, you only got charged for one, and I don't see any special sell listed.

(Veronica, Betty, and Jughead look over at the receipt as Archie has a confused look on his face.)

Betty: Maybe you won a prize.

Jughead: Nope. They only have one item listed, see?

(Veronica talks as Archie rolls his eyes and exhales with his lips shaped like an O.)

Veronica: Maybe Archie was such a good customer

(Betty explains to Veronica as Veronica gestures with one hand and a slight shrug of her left shoulder.)

Betty: Veronica, businesses don't give away merchandise willy-nilly.

Veronica: They do for the affluent populace.

(Betty rolls her eyes at Veronica. Archie begins to stand up and reaches for the dvd box that he didn't pay for.)

Jughead: Arch, what are you doing?

(Archie takes the DVD box and begins to leave.)

Archie: I'm going to drive back and pay for it.

(Reggie looks up at Archie with disgust.)

Reggie: Why? You didn't do anything wrong. Heck, they may have scanned it, but they didn't ring it up.

(Jughead looks over the receipt.)

Jughead: Only Reggie can be so wrong and yet so right. Not a trace of ink about it and the alarm would have went off if it hadn't been scanned.

Betty: No, it's still wrong.

(Reggie turns to look at Betty.)

Reggie: Okay, let me ask you, when Miss. Grundy misgrades a test paper and marks an incorrect answer correct, do you tell her about it?

Betty: Yes.

(Everyone looks over at Betty awestruck as Betty is confused.)

Betty: What? I can't be the only one.

Reggie: I'm going to have you brought up for sainthood.

(Veronica looks down towards Reggie as Reggie responds.)

Veronica: No money was exchanged for it, so it's still stealing, technically.

Reggie: Hey, you can afford to be honest, but the rest of us can't. You have to make and take every break that you can.

(Reggie looks at Jughead who stops eating as he is being called out. Veronica turns to Jughead as Jughead has half eaten popcorn on his face and clothing.)

Reggie: Look, at Jughead.

Veronica: Must we?

Reggie: Pop Tate is the only guy in the world who collects I.O.U.s while the chow hound gorges away without even batting an eye.

(Betty and Veronica look at Jughead with an eyebrow raised each as he looks extremely guilty.)

Jughead: Well, me and Pop have this relationship and...well--

(Jughead begins wolfing down popcorn to avoid talking and eye contact. Veronica sticks her tongue out in disgust as Betty has the tip of her index and middle finger on her forehead as she rubs her head as if she has a headache.)

Jughead: --um, it's impolite to talk with my mouth full!

Jughead: Chomp Chomp munch!

(Reggie turns his head.)

Reggie: Archie, you listen to me, and I'll—

(Everyone turns to see Archie gone and the door slightly open. Jughead is eating popcorn while talking to Reggie as Reggie has a look of antipathy.)

Jughead: Maybe he couldn't hear you because you weren't on his shoulder like the guy with the halo was...

Reggie: I'm the only one who will ever make it in this group...!

(The Old Clerk is adjusting the cut-up for the Smerfs movie as Archie approaches. The younger clerk is at the counter and register.)

Old Clerk: Finally. If I ever see that little creep again it will be too soon.

Archie: Excuse me...

(The Old Clerk looks up as if talking with some higher power as Archie extends the DVD.)

Old Clerk: I deal with annoying kids, do they have to come back to trouble me so?

Archie: Sir, I recently made a purchase, but not for this DVD.

(The Old Clerk glare at Archie as Archie tries to wave him off.)

Old Clerk: So you're a thief. A thief returning to the scene of the crime! Lester, call—

Archie: No! Wait, you don't understand.

(Archie points at the counter as the young Clerk nods his head.)

Archie: I did pay for it, but for some reason, it wasn't picked up and I just now noticed it on the receipt.

Lester: Mr. Catron, this scanner has been giving us trouble.

(Mr. Catron sighs as Archie reaches into his wallet.)

Archie: And I want to pay for it right now.

Mr. Catron: And let me guess: because you're being so gosh dang noble, I should let you have a free movie or a gift card?

(Mr. Catron takes the ten dollar bill with a sly grin.)

Archie: No, sir. You shouldn't do the right thing and expect anything in return.

Mr. Catron: Well, when you put it that way...

(Mr. Catron puts the money in his pocket.)

Mr. Catron: I won't give you back your change then.

Archie: But that was a ten and the movie was only—

(Archie is angrily leaving Discount Video Dimensions as Mr. Catron leans against his display of Smerfs DVDs with all his weight on his left hand and he has his left foot over right as Lester looks on, unhappy with his boss's action.)

Mr. Catron: Look at it this way: the extra money will help me get a new scanner so no little angel like yourself has to worry his head a mistake like this again.

(Mr. Catron smirks towards Lester, not paying attention to how he is becoming off-balance.)

Mr. Catron: See that, m'boy, that's how you make a profit.

(The display gives way as Mr. Catron falls. Lester looks on gladly.)

Mr. Catron: AAGGGHHH

CRASSSHHH

(Mr. Catron is on the ground as Lester stands over him. Mr. Catron is embarrassed and has a single DVD on his head nearly falling off.)

Lester: Boss, I'll remember this day on many levels.

Mr. Catron: grummmble.

(Archie is coming back inside his house as everyone stayed waiting. Jughead has a new, larger bowl of popcorn. He has the DVD in his left hand.)

Archie: Hey, gang. I'm back.

Betty: How did it go?

(Archie complaisant attitude as he explains what happened as Reggie smiles confidently.)

Archie: Well, I told the guy running the DVD store what happened and he called me a thief, took what was left of my money, and shooed me on out.

Reggie: Hah! See that everyone! I told you, you have to be like me to ever get ahead in this world! You want something, you kick someone out of the way, and you take it!

(Betty gives Reggie a kick to his back.)

Betty: Fine. I want you to be quiet so...

KICK

Reggie: Ow.

(Betty glares down at Reggie as Reggie places a hand over where he was kicked.)

Reggie: Rotten fast learner....!

(Veronica looks sympathetically at Archie who begins to smile.)

Veronica: So you had to deal with that awful man and not have anything to show for it?

Archie: Not exactly...

(Archie sits down next to Betty and Veronica as he throws Reggie the DVD, so he can insert it into the DVD player.)

Archie: I have a clean conscience, and I'm watching a movie with good friends.

(Archie has an arm around Betty and Veronica separately as they both lean over towards him, Reggie is lying with his stomach on the ground as he looks up at the TV, and Jughead is tilting the Popcorn bowl over as he gulps it down with some falling on his shirt.)

Archie: What more can I ask for?

Jughead: More popcorn...this time with some chocolate syrup and honey.







SAGG

DEFINITELY a great Classic Archie story, PTF! :) I could see any of the great Archie artists doing this. And Reggie, THAT is the reason why the girls will NEVER prefer you over Archie: Dishonesty. Yet, ol' Carrot Top still has that annoying habit of the Roving Eye...

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