Jughead: How to Catch a Jughead.
(Jughead is walking out of Miss Grundy’s class with Archie along with several other students. Jughead has a worried expression as Archie talks to him.)
Archie: What’s the matter, Jug? Miss Grundy’s grammar exam wasn’t that hard.
Jughead: It’s not the exam that’s bothering…
(Jughead points inside the classroom as Trula is putting away her books in her satchel.)
Jughead: It’s her.
Archie: Trula Twyst?
Jughead: The one and only amateur pest psychologist of Riverdale High.
(Archie talking with Jughead as Jughead eyes Trula who doesn’t seem to notice him.)
Archie: What’s wrong? I haven’t seen her even have light banter with you for awhile.
Jughead: That’s just it. She’s mainly been jotting notes about me while giving me that fake little smile of hers like she’s all innocent.
(Jughead begins to impersonate Trula’s smile and uses his fingers to stretch the smile from ear to ear. Archie seems amused.)
Jughead: If this doesn’t tell everyone evil’s afoot nothing will.
Archie: Tells me you need to floss more.
(Trula walks up behind Jughead and startles him. Archie begins to go into a daze upon seeing Trula.)
Trula: That’s very good, Juggers. If I lent you my broom and black cat, you’d be a dead ringer.
(Jughead confronts Trula as Trula seems to take it in stride.)
Jughead: Okay, what is it this time? Brainwash me with food? Impersonate me? Guess my every move before I even feel like moving?
Trula: Oh, those were fun, but I think I’ll adopt a new approach. It’ll be a best seller.
(Trula is walking past Jughead as Jughead is confused. Archie is making way for her like a gentleman in the old times would.)
Jughead: And what is that supposed to mean?
Archie: Ladies first.
(Trula turns and winks at Archie who blushes as Jughead becomes perturbed.)
Trula I’m not one to brag.
(Trula begins talking to Archie as Archie has hearts over his glazed eyes and is leaning towards Trula on his tippy toes.)
Trula: Archie. Be a friend and congratulate Chuck on his latest artistic endeavor.
Archie: Sure…what are friends for…?
(Jughead begins to shake Archie to snap him out of his trance.)
Jughead: Arch! Arch, snap out of it! Your best buddy in the world has a dilemma on his hands!
Archie: Just put the pin back in, it won’t blow up….whuh--?!
(Archie and Jughead are walking down the hall passing lockers on each side.)
Jughead: Trula’s up to something, and we need to find Chuck.
Jughead: He’s involved in Trula’s latest scheme somehow.
(Jughead has his hands in his pockets as he walks with Archie. Chuck is walking in the hall ahead of them as Archie waves him down.)
Archie: Hey, Chuck! Wait up!
(Chuck stops and moves to a wall as others students are passing him by.)
Chuck: Archie. Jughead. What’s wrong?
(Jughead leans over Archie’s left shoulder as Archie rolls his eyes towards him, showing annoyance at Jughead’s lack of couth.)
Jughead: What does she have on you!?
(Archie elbows Jughead off of him as he talks to Chuck as Chuck smiles.)
Archie: Trula just talked with us and told us to tell you were working on something new.
Chuck: Yeah. Trula was working on something for fun, she needed a few drawings. Her mother, Krysta Twyst ,looked over the draft and--
(They are now all standing near the wall close to a classroom as students pass by.)
Jughead: Draft? A draft for what?
Chuck: A book!
(Jughead and Archie are both alarmed.)
Jughead and Archie: A book?!!
(Chuck is explaining as Jughead looks on nervously as Archie and Chuck don’t seem to notice.)
Chuck: Yeah, Trula’s mom showed it to a publisher and he loved it. Said it would be a hit, can you believe it?
Archie: That’s great, Chuck!
(Chuck adjusts his backpack on his shoulder.)
Chuck: Yeah. I mean, getting to see your work published is just—wow! Man, I just can’t believe it.
(Chuck is going into the classroom as Jughead calls him back nervously.)
Jughead: Um, what’s the name of this horror story?
Chuck: Trula hasn’t told you? It’s based on you. It’s called…
(Chuck goes into the classroom as Jughead collapses on the floor without him noticing. Archie looks at Jughead stunned.)
Chuck: HOW TO CATCH A JUGHEAD.
(Archie bends down as Jughead sits up. Jughead is rubbing his forehead as if he has a headache.)
Archie: Jughead! You okay?
(Jughead grabs Archie by his shirt collar as he acts like his life is about to end.)
Jughead: Okay!? How can I be okay!?
(Jughead looks over as several female students pass by the hall.)
Jughead: Don’t you see what she’s done?! Trula couldn’t break me, so now she’s going to have all the females in Riverdale chip away at me!
(Archie begins to pull Jughead to his feet.)
Archie: C’mon, Jughead. Trula likes to play mind games with, but I don’t think she would let anyone else in on the games.
(Jughead is still distressed as Trula walks towards them.)
Jughead: And to top it off, she had one of my good friends illustrate all of my pressure points.
Archie: You mean that one on your stomach that makes you laugh automatically?
(Jughead begins to stomp towards Trula as Archie tries to hold him back.)
Jughead: That’s a condition that me a certain pastry mascot has and shouldn’t be public knowledge!
(Jughead is confronting Trula s Trula has a hand cupped over her ear.)
Trula: Hark. My ears are burning. Someone must be discussing me in some manner.
Jughead: If your pointy ears overheard me talking, then you’re right on the money.
(Jughead is reaching for Trula’s satchel as Trula twists her body away from him.)
Jughead: I want to see what you wrote about me! I have a right to see what you write!
Trula: The only thing I have written in my satchel is Mr. Flutesnoot’s Chemistry notes.
(Trula smiles and tilts her head.)
Trula: What if I told you that what you’re all upset about is really no big deal?
Jughead: I’d call you a liar.
(Trula shrugs her left shoulder as Jughead points a finger at her.)
Trula: It’s no big deal.
(Trula walks away as Jughead fumes as Archie tries to calm him down.)
Trula: If that’s how it must be, but you just remember: my manuscript will be published and distributed not just in Riverdale, but across America.
(Jughead looks on scared as he thinks it over.)
(Jughead slumps over with his arms hanging in defeat.)
Jughead: What’s the use? She just landed a knock out punch and I’m just counting stars.
Archie: Jughead…things will look better after we go to lunch and you have a full stomach.
(Jughead depressingly walks away as Jughead looks on concerned.)
Jughead: Arch…I’m not in the mood for food. I think I’ll just go to the library or something.
Archie: Wow. I haven’t seen Jughead this depressed since the last time food just expired the day before he was going to eat it.
(A shot of Jughead in the lunch line as Miss Beazley motions towards all the food available as Jughead solemnly shakes his head.)
Caption: And so it began and continued as the largest consumer of food in the world…
(Miss Beazley and all the other students in the lunch line watch in amazement as Jughead leaves with just a carrot on his food tray.)
Caption: …was too filled with worry to hardly eat.
(Jughead sits down next to a concerned Archie and Betty.)
(Jughead is about to take a bite as Trula Twyst walks past him.)
(Jughead is in mid bite as Trula waves her fingers at him.)
(Jughead puts the carrot down, too worried to eat it.)
Caption: Or eat at all.
(A shot of Pop Tate outside of his place motioning for a depressed Jughead to enter.)
Caption: And his seat at Pop Tate’s goes unused…
(We see inside that Trula is eating a banana split while sitting in Jughead’s seat. In the background we can see through the open door that Jughead despondently passes by as Pop Tate seems confused.)
Caption: …Save for one certain individual.
(Jughead is walking home as he is approaching a soda can is about to kick it.)
Caption: Two weeks later.
Jughead: I can’t stand it!. Just waiting for Judgment Day at the book fair, and I can hardly eat because of the butterflies in my stomach!!
(Jughead stops in mid kick.)
(Jughead angrily walks around the soda can.)
Jughead: I haven’t read one of my food magazines, watched my food shows…or had a single morsel at Pop’s!
(Jughead is approaching his home.)
Jughead: I doubt Pop Tate even recognizes me anymore. Only the unpaid tab I built up keeps my memory alive in the Chocklit Shop.
(Jughead goes inside as his father is sitting in his chair counting a large pile of money.)
Jughead: Hey, dad.
Mr. Jones: Jughead! Good to see you my boy.
(Mr. Jones is counting the money proudly as Jughead doesn’t seem to pay any attention as he heads upstairs.)
Mr. Jones: And your mom said I couldn’t handle the finance. Hah!
Jughead: That’s nice. Tell mom I’m not hungry so no need to fix my supper…again.
(Mr. Jones turns towards Jughead as Jughead wretchedly walks upstairs.)
Mr. Jones: Oh, and one of your school friends came by ahead of you.
Jughead: Who? Archie?
Mr. Jones: No, a girl.
(Jughead’s eyes go wide as Mr. Jones talks.)
Mr. Jones: No. Trula. She wanted you to have the first copy of her book. She said you were her inspiration.
(Jughead turns to his father.)
Mr. Jones: I knew someone would write about a Jones eventually.
Jughead: Dad! Where is the book?! Tell me no one has recited the ancient incantation!!
(Mr. Jones turns away as Jughead has both hands pressed against the side of his face ala The Home Alone kid.)
Mr. Jones: Oh. Since you weren’t here, she gave it to your mom. And she thought that Jellybean would just love to have it read to her.
(Jughead begins to run up the steps as Mr. Jones doesn’t notice.)
Mr. Jones: I told her to wait until Jellybean’s bedtime, but I think she just wanted an excuse to read it herself.
(Jughead is running towards Jellybean’s room.)
Jughead: She’s not only trying to make me every girl’s play thing, but she’s trying to corrupt my very own little sister!
Jughead’s Mom behind a door: “Remember, A Jughead loves to eat. A Jughead will eat anything.”
(Jughead begins to open the door as he has a confused look on his face as he listens.)
Mrs. Jones: “Jugheads have a long, long nose. So a Jughead can smell anything far, far away."
Jellybean: Giggle giggle.
(Jughead enters the room as Mrs. Jones is in a rocking chair reading a children’s book to Jellybean who happily looks at the pictures. On the cover is a creature that looks like Jughead with his long nose, extremely round ears, his hair and a similar hat.)
Mrs. Jones: Jughead. Why didn’t you tell us you helped with a children’s book?
Jughead: Children’s book?
(Jughead walks towards his mother and Jellybean as he examines the children’s book. Jellybean is extremely happy as she pulls up a page.)
Mrs. Jones: Look at your sister. I’ve read it three times and look. She wants me to read it all over again.
(Mrs. Jones hands the book to Jughead who looks over a double spread picture of the Jughead creature in a cage and holding his nose because it is scented with perfume. Jughead begins to relax.)
Mrs. Jones: I’m going to tell all of my friends about this book. It could become a bedtime classic!
Jughead: That’s great. Super.
(Mrs. Jones looks confused at Jughead as Jughead continues to turn pages, as if he’s making sure it is just a harmless children's book.)
Mrs. Jones: Is there something wrong?
Jughead: No…it’s not nonfiction..er, I mean, there’s no friction as I turn the pages. Wouldn't want anyone to get a paper cut.
(Mrs. Jones leaves as Jughead is left alone with Jellybean who is rocking back and forth in the rocker as she eagerly awaits for Jughead to read her new favorite book to her.)
Mrs. Jones: Well, I have supper to cook. Do you mind reading the story to Jellybean again? She’s loves her big brother and her big brother’s book.
(A few weeks later as Jughead is at the counter of the Chocklit Shop eating a pyramid of cheeseburgers as Trula Twyst is sitting next to him, eating only a salad. Behind them Leroy is leaving pieces of candy in a trail leading towards the door.)
CAPTION: SOME WEEKS LATER...
Jughead: Y’know, when I first learned about you basing a book off on me, I was a little worried. Even lost my appetite.
Trula: You don’t say.
(Jughead turns around as he notices the trail of candy.)
Jughead: From the tip top of your horns to the bottom of you cloven hooves, I never thought anything good could come from you. But there is no joy that compares to my little sister waiting in bed for me to read—
(Jughead gets out of his seat and begins to pick the candy up off the floor and eat it, piece by piece.)
Jughead: Oh! Candy! Yum-Yum-Yum!
(Jughead begins to follow and eat towards the open door to The Chocklit Shop as Trula Twyst looks on. Leroy is peeking to see Jughead coming his way.
Trula: I don’t think that’s sanitary, Juggers.
Jughead: No. It’s chocolate nougat.
(A shot from outside The doors of the Chocklit Shop as Leroy and two of his friends are waiting to pounce and capture Jughead. One of Leroy’s friends has a bat, the other a rope, and Leroy has a net. Next to Leroy is a beat up red wagon with a sign reading: JUGHEAD ON BOARD. NOT DEAD, JUST SLEEPING A LOT. Inside the Shop, Jughead is picking and eating as he is inching closer to the door as he turns his head to talk with Trula who shrugs her shoulders teasingly.)
Jughead: Besides, what’s the worse that can happen?
Leroy whispering: Okay, boys, we catch him and sell him to the zoo for a billion dollars.
Leroy’s friends whispering back: Right!