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Topics - PTF
« on: November 25, 2014, 01:35:21 PM »
PTF Reviews Jughead and Archie #7
Well, a few more days before Thanksgiving/My birthday. Normally it wouldn’t be so bad, but I spent all the money I’ve been saving in change to help pay for my aunt’s wood so she doesn’t freeze. 160 dollars, four loads…and she complains to me about four bad sticks she saw. I could have gotten RVBX. I was saving up for that. Why didn’t I let the old lady freeze?!
But at least I had enough for this digest.
Trula Twyst likes bright shineys: Yeah! Trula story and a fun little detour as Trula loses her venom as Jughead realizes that Trula is one of those people who go around admiring Christmas lights and they get along right until Reggie interferes in a great moment of jerkiness. Usual great story by Craig Boldman and Lindsey.
The Good Christmas stories. You have a fun story where the kids plan a surprise Christmas party for Mr. Weatherbee with Jughead having to get him to the party, Hot Dog plays Santa Claus, and Jughead is all about food, but for the season it’s all about where the food goes. These are all great stories that are heartwarming and funny. I’d give the Hot Dog one the edge
Good Al Hartley. He has three stories in this digest (so haters, you are warned) and two pretty good short stories. Archie and Jughead having to help get a statue of Mr. Lodge to Lodge building (yeah, you can imagine how that went) and we get the classic story where we learn the connection between Jughead’s love of eating and hatred of girls. Both are fun early short stories of Hartley.
Other good stories: Veronica proving Archie doesn’t listen to her and tying it in with Christmas was really clever and funny. Archie and Reggie using Hot Dog to get the attention of a dog walker, Jughead going over how being a helper is fun. But my favorite is probably Miss Beazley reading the school lunch over the intercom after having mixed up her notes was hilarious and even ending on a heartwarming note.
The art. It’s all pretty good. I mean, did anything go wow? No. We got one early Ruiz, Pat Kennedy continues his streak of impressing me (Though why Nancy looks like an African American Midge…wha?) Lindsey was great like always.
That Wilkin Boy. Two fun stories with Sam having a premonition about something bad and another where she wants Bingo and Teddy to actually fight her. There answer is nearly as funny as HER answer in the end.
The Bad Christmas Story. Oh boy. The first, I believe is a new story, is Jughead imaging what he’d give each of his friends. I mean…really? That’s the new story? Nothing new folks. Another is Archie trying to find a Christmas tree and suddenly decides against it when the animals talk him down. I mean, I could get the idea of planting your own tree, but there was no build or hint to the environmental message the story ended on. The last is Jughead as a roaming Substitute Santa in a store owned by a jerk and it ends with…well, him lucking into a promotion and not learning a darn thing. Yeah, the kids get free toys, but not for the right reasons. That’s a horrible message! “Okay, give them an inch and take their mile later.”
The Bad Al Hartley story. 20 pages of “!!!” and “???” Coach Kleats decides to make Jughead PR for the team because….just cause. And it actually starts out good because the art is done by Stan Goldberg so we avoid later Hartley horror and the story actually starts out good, even clever with Jughead’s early idea—but it doesn’t end! And it gets worse and worse! Ethel’s his assistant, but then she’s not. The players are injured in part…then the next part there fine. It’s just a mess.
Boring stories: We have a few stories that are just pretty much boring and teaching the same lesson we’ve all heard all the time. And I don’t mind that. These stories should teach lessons…but I like to believe we can do it in an entertaining way!
What I learned from this issue:
1. That using a hot air balloon to spot in high school football games is not illegal
2. Jughead has great friends considering they got him a real gift and his gifts for them are make believe.
3. With all the “???” and “!!!” people in Riverdale are near deaf and confused.
4. Animals will voice complaints if you try to take their home
5. Manchu Dynasty>>>>>>>>>>>>>Ming Dynasty
6. Christmas lights bring out the best in everyone, even the one person we utterly despise.
7. You cannot duplicate the Jones family recipe
8. Nancy looks a lot like Midge with that new short hairdo.
9. You eat because you hate girls. That’s why most couples let themselves go
10. Santa Paws is commminggg to toowwwn!
When you have as many Al Hartley stories as Boldman/Lindsey stories, you know it’s not going to be a great digest. Heck, when you just have one Schwartz story you know it’s not a good sign! I mean…wow. Just one?!
I liked half of the Christmas stories and didn’t care for the rest. You had two good Hartley stories, but you had a twenty page bad Hartley story. Some good stories, but a few just boring ones. I’m going to have to go with a C
Panel one: Archie is at his locker as Betty and Veronica begin to argue with one another. Archie rolls his eyes as he really does not want put up with all the bickering. Archie is about to close his locker door as he is using his right hand to hide a Valerie poster from the two distracted girls. Walking down the hall, The Riverdale Bulldog Mascot is arm and arm with Sherry as Shrill looks on mildly amused.
Veronica: Betty, Archie and I are going to the movies tonight!
Betty: No, Veronica, Archie is going to the movies with me!
Archie thinking: All I said was Protagonists 9 looked like fun.
Panel two: Betty and Veronica turns to Archie and both yell at the same time. Betty and Veronica surprise him and cause a knee-jerk reaction for Archie where he slams the locker door on his right hand. Betty and Veronica both point at Archie and have the same body language.
Betty and Veronica: ARCHIE CHOOSE!!!
Panel three: A frustrated Archie looks at Betty and Veronica as he grabs his throbbing hand. Betty is kissing it while Veronica is using her cell phone as she prepares to call for medical help.
Betty: Here let me kiss it and make it better.
Veronica: Hah! Poor People Home Remedy!
Veronica: I have a medical staff at my beck and call!
Panel one: Archie jerks his hand away as he begins to lecture both girls. Betty sucks in her lips while Veronica closes her cellphone as both girls obviously don’t appreciate Archie’s tone.
Archie: That’s enough! You two have been bickering over me nonstop! It has to end before we go beyond mending broken bones!
Panel two: Betty and Veronica return Archie’s look as Archie takes a step back as he fumbles in his pocket as he tries to find a way out of his predicament.
Veronica: We wouldn’t bicker if you would pick one of us first!
Betty: Yeah! Make a choice!
Archie: Um….well, let me think--
Panel three: Archie reaches into his pocket as pulls out a penny and shows it to the girls. Veronica is skeptical, but Betty is all smile and wide-eyed as she likes the idea.
Archie: Okay. I have a fair way to decide. I’ll flip this penny and whoever guesses the correct side, I’ll take to the movies!
Panel four: Archie flips the coin as Betty waves her ponytail like a wagging dog’s tail to illustrate her pick. Veronica folds her arms across her chest and turns her head away.
Betty: Tails never fails!
Veronica: A penny? It’ll obviously side with the poorest person!
Panel five: Archie shows the coin on the back of his hand as it is heads. Betty pouts as Veronica pumps her fists in the air and leaps in joy.
Archie: Heads. Ronnie and me see a flick!
Veronica: Yes! Another victory for the Lodge lineage!
Betty: …well, I did lose fair and square…!
Panel one: The next day in the same general location in the school hall, Betty and Veronica are arguing again as they both have one of Archie’s arms and begin a game of tug of war with a crowd of students rooting on each girl and one student taking bets. Archie is leaning more towards Betty.
Betty: You got to go to the movies with Archie yesterday! Today Archie and me are going to Pop’s!
Panel two: Veronica pulls Archie more towards her way as he looks on helplessly as Veronica digs her finger nails into him for a better grip.
Veronica: I don’t think so!! Archie would rather have a world class meal than burgers and fries!
Panel three: Archie jerks himself free as Betty and Veronica look on. The crowd sadly disperses as there was no clear winner. The kid placing bets sadly gives back the money he collected.
Archie: That’s enough!
Archie: Why don’t we flip the same coin from yesterday and decide that way?
Panel four: Archie flips the coin as Veronica sticks her tongue out at Betty as Betty leers at Veronica.
Archie: Ron, you call it this time!
Veronica: Heads, Archiekins.
Panel five: The coin lands on Archie’s palm showing tails as Betty makes a face back at Veronica as Veronica scowls in response. Archie looks on with a grin as the recent turn of events have given him an idea.
Betty: Looks like money isn’t your advantage this time.
Archie thinking: I think I’m on to something!
Wow. Make the cover Christmas based and K-Mart will put that out on schedule. And Thanksgiving is coming up. Do any of you know what it’s like to have a birthday on, before, or after Thanksgiving? You don’t get gifts and people go to your home to eat your food. Bah Plymouth!
The Lead story. I’ve gotta be honest the new stories haven’t been—well, really that good to me, but this one was great. And it’s a Reggie Story. “In Not So Gifted” Reggie decides that imitation is the best way to win the hearts of the ladies, and we get the backfire. Alex Simmons does a great job capturing the disposition of the characters and for six pages it’s a blast. And Pat Kennedy. This is easily the best work I’ve seen from him. Honestly, I’m not a fan, but this was a greatly drawn story. The decorations on the first page is wonderfully cute and after you read the story you can only reflect on how smart it is. And I know people (me for one) have been hard Digikore Studios for their coloring, but they have really improved and done a great job and should be recognized for it.
Chuck’s Cartoon Life. We’re on part three of four, so one more to go. Mr. Weatherbee, in an attempt to impress the superintendent (SKINNNNNNNERRR) has Chuck taking his workshop to middle school. Sounds good until he has to collate ancient Greece. The art by Fernado Ruiz is amazing like always. And I like that they mentioned the Hollywood trip arc. There is continueing problem with the Cartoon Life I’ll talk about later though.
Characters galore. If you wanted to see as many of the Archie characters with their stories you get it in this issue. You have Moose tutoring Dilton (Yep. You read that correctly), Dilton the trend setter, Mr. Lodge, Nancy. It’s just fun seeing so many different characters. My favorite is the Svenson story where the kids learns that contributions come from everyone. Best story has to be Reggie taking a bet that if Archie can beat him at anything he’ll be quiet for two weeks. The ending is just so perfect.
Christmas stories: Only four, but for the most part they are well told. I’ve already mentioned “In Not So Gifted”. Mr. Lodge has a Christmas Carol and Veronica throws a Christmas Party and learns it doesn’t have to be the flashiest for everyone to be happy. And would you really want to trade your Christmas away. Find out the answer.
Chuck. I’ve mentioned Cartoon life and I like the idea, I like the art, I like the situations—but I don’t like Chuck. He’s boring. He’s just so bland as a character. He smiles, he whines, he pouts…that’s about it for him. In comparison, we have an older version of Chuck who wants to prove men cook than women. He’s arrogant, he prideful—he’s fun! What I wouldn’t give to have this Chuck in Cartoon Life! It’d be fun seeing him get frustrated that he has to work in subject matter he’s not good at into his comic. He sure as heck wouldn’t spend page after page whining!
What wha--? Okay, I mentioned Mr. Lodge having a Christmas Carol and it was pretty good—except why he had it didn’t make sense. Okay, he bans Archie from the Lodge Mansion after he messes up the Christmas tree decorations. Then he goes to sleep—and he’s shown that buying from the heart is more important than the price. WHAT?! Shouldn’t it be more about forgiveness? Heck, during the present portion they show Veronica wanting just a bike and Mr. Lodge wanting her to have an expensive car instead—Why not just use that at the beginning and the ghost show him the past (his father) and future! It’s like the beginning is one story and the rest is another.
Bridgette. GO AWAY! You’re boring, annoying, and a Mary Sue and I’m tired of stories with you in them when—well, any other character would be better! You are a tree without shade, a well without water; you contribute nothing!
Sorry. I’ve just always wanted to say that. Feel better now. No one tell Dan Parent what I just said. EVER.
What I’ve learned.
1. When the Ghost of Christmas is bored, he’ll find any excuse to have a Christmas Carol.
2. Always check your digital receipts.
3. What do you do when you have two insane girls who don’t agree on anything? Why make them work together!
4. That Riverdale Elementary has way better artists than Millis Middle School.
5. Give a nerd a game control and he will be Michael Jordan—LeBron James is he joins other talented nerds to win a championship.
6. Put a band-aide on your face and all the pretty girls will kiss you.
7. People with less money don’t want people with more money spending much on them—REALLY?
8. Tiddlywinks is a sport.
9. When grocery shopping value and fridge open space do not always coincide.
10. Being rich isn’t great, but giving friends gifts is—What, am I missing something?
Overall. Yeah, there’s one hiccup in a story and Chuck needs a personality transfer, stat. But this digest had the best of the new stories, I’ve read, the stories are good with great morals. No complaints about the art, the writing for the characters is fun. This is an easy A so go pick it up.
Panel one: The setting is Pickens Park during the afternoon as a presenter is on stage (Complete with curtains to separate the backstage area) next to a table that has a metal tub of apples for bobbing, a pumpkin pie, and a plate filled with candy corn as the presenter goes over the rules. To the side of the table is a five foot statue of a person eating while trying to keep his wig straight. Over the stage is a banner reading HAIR IF YOU CARE PRESENTS…THE HALLOWEEN HAVOC EATING CONTEST. A crowd has surrounded the stage as Jughead is standing off to himself as he is listening in. The crowd is acting like it is a rock concert as they dance and enjoy themselves; even an elderly couple is having fun dancing.
Presenter: --And thank you all for coming!
Presenter: Wig out as the four top eaters of Riverdale compete in a tournament to crown the true eating champion!
Jughead thinking: Huh. So this is what that mysterious text was all about. All communication parted to me should involve something like this.
Panel two: Jughead is looking at the banner as he seems to have a bad feeling about it that he can’t quite understand as he folds his has a hand over his chin as the ponders.
Jughead: Something about this seems familiar. Like a horrible memory you try to forget or that feeling you get reading a bad fan fic.
Caption: This coming from someone who had to split half his digest with his best friend!
Panel three: Jughead turns his head as two people talk to him from behind.
Voice one: Jughead, looks like you and me might have our long awaited match!
Voice two: And we’ll have our rematch!
Panel one: Jughead turns around to see Toni Topaz and Kevin Keller as they greet him as they are competing in the contest as well. Toni adjusts her hat as Kevin Keller gives Jughead a two finger salute as his way of saying hello.
Jughead: Two Fisted Toni Topaz and Kevin Keller.
Toni Topaz: The one and only.
Kevin Keller: Reporting to mess hall and ready to chow down.
Panel two: Jughead is matter of fact as Toni Topaz smiles at him and winks as she flirts with him.
Toni Topaz: Not happy to see us?
Jughead: No. Just not surprised. When they said the four top eaters in Riverdale I figured you two got the same text I did.
Panel three: Kevin Keller is asking Jughead a question as Jughead isn’t thrilled knowing the answer as he obviously would rather not say.
Kevin Keller: Well, you’re two for two, so who do you think the fourth is?
Panel four: The ground begins to shake as Toni Topaz and Kevin Keller lose their balance as Jughead just lets himself bop up and down like a super ball as he remains unimpressed.
Toni Topaz: What is this?! An earthquake!?
Jughead: No. That would be our fellow competitor toddling our way now.
Kevin Keller: Who?!
Panel one: The Glutton is standing loud and proud as he his hair looks like he just got out of bed, his greasy shirt is two sizes too small and he is wearing jeans cut into shorts. His pig like nose has a small drop of snot sticking out, and he has several bits of various foods in between his yellow teeth.
The Glutton: Gregory Gorgey—THE GLUTTON!!!
The Glutton: I’m the Baron of Bite and the Master of Munch and the table is set for me to win and prove I’m the number one food connoisseur in Riverdale!!
Panel two: Jughead is casually talking with Toni Topaz and Kevin Keller as the Glutton’s jaw drops as he can’t believe that they weren’t listening to him.
Jughead: …So then Gaston catches me in the walk in freezer and I go--
Glutton: Hey!! Pay attention to me!! I am large and in charge!!
Panel three: Toni Topaz jokes as The Glutton becomes enraged.
Toni Topaz: Yes, to the former. No to the latter.
Panel four: The Glutton uses his stomach to knock Toni Topaz off her feet as Kevin Keller rushes to her aid.
The Glutton: Put your mouth where the food is! Look at you! No way you win! You’re stomach is too small!
Toni Topaz: Hey!
Panel five: Jughead is quipping back at The Glutton as The Glutton’s face goes bright red and his nostrils flare. Kevin Keller helps Toni Topaz to her feet as Toni Topaz leers at The Glutton
Jughead: Your brain is too small and you still able to think. Slowly, but surely.
Panel one: The presenter makes way as Pauline Elder is walking to the center of the stage and taking the mic from him. She is wearing a bride of Frankenstein wig and wearing a blue and green dress suit as she half heartedly waves to the people in the audience.
Presenter: And now for the benefactor and financier, the CEO of Hair I Care Enterprises—
Presenter: Ms. Pauline Elder!
Jughead: Oh now I remember. Crazy wig lady.
Panel two: Kevin Keller is talking with Jughead as Jughead explains how he met Pauline Elder. In he background is a scene where Jughead is giving her the fake wig made of Hot Dog’s fur as she begins scratching and he happily takes five hundred dollars as his reward. Hot Dog turns to look at the empty spot of fur on his back.
Kevin Keller: You know her, Jug?
Jughead: Yeah, she wanted Trula’s hair for her personal wig collection…
Jughead: …And instead of doing the obvious preference of shaving Twyst bald, I donated a small patch of Hot Dog’s fur instead.
Panel three: Jughead turns to Toni Topaz as she asks him a question of her own.
Toni Topaz: Think she figured out your ruse?
Panel four: Pauline Elder simply glares at Jughead and does the beheading gesture to her throat as she grits her teeth and her wig tilts to the left side of her head as the presenter tries to keep it upright on her head.
Panel five: Jughead shrugs his shoulders as he seems not to care about Pauline’s noverbal threat as Kevin Keller places a hand on his shoulder to show support. Toni Topaz adjusts her hat as she sees the obvious answer. The Glutton points at Jughead, does the throat slash motion with his other hand and winks to hint at a possible alliance.
Jughead: It’s possible.
Panel one: Pauline is shoving the presenter back as she begins to go over the rules as her hair piece leans over her eyebrows.
Pauline: After my last trip to this…quant little town, I couldn’t help but come back for reve—er, fun and games.
Pauline: And what better fun and games can their be than an eating contest tournament?
Panel two: Pauline points over at the table and all the items on it as everyone in the audience looks on. The Presenter strikes a pose as he uses both arms to motion towards the table.
Pauline: The rules are simple for you rubes to understand:
Pauline: The four contestants will be divided up into separate match-up—eat the bobbed apples and a pumpkin pie eating contests—and the winner of each will advance to the final round: The Mountain of Candy Corn!
Panel three: The presenter struggles to hold up the trophy in one hand and a box of Spotty Snacks with the other. The box of Spotty snacks has parody of Mystery Incorporated with an African American as Fred, a confused blond for Daphne, A frizzy haired frighten teenage girl for Shaggy, a fat nerd with glasses and hand held computer for Velma and a Dalmatian in place of Scooby Doo.
Pauline: And not only will the winner win this fabulous trophy…
Pauline: …But a year’s supply of Spotty Snacks! The favorite treat of the Mysteries Five mascot Spotty Spotty Dot!
Panel four: Back to Jughead, Toni Topaz, Kevin Keller, and The Glutton. Jughead is licking his lips as he seems interested for the first time in the story, Toni Topaz is acting like she has a handful of the Spotty Snacks in both hands, Kevin Keller smiles as he likes the prize and The Glutton rubs his stomach as it shakes in all directions.
Jughead: Many a haunted house or deserted mill I would venture to for just one!
Toni Topaz: Pow Pow! I can’t wait!
Kevin Keller: And a year’s supply!
Glutton: That’ll be a swell meal for my telly-tum-tum!
Panel five: As she hands the mic back to The Presenter, Pauline glares over at Jughead as Jughead is talking with Kevin and Toni not noticing that The Glutton is giving her the “okay” hand signal. Pauline has a smirk across the right side of her face as her hair piece tips to the right side of her head.
Pauline thinking: I spent months of research, finding the best way to hurt Jughead Jones after he tricked me and had infested me with fleas!
Pauline thinking: And with my pawn in place and my meticulous planning, Jughead won’t be able to take a nibble without thinking of the disgrace he’ll soon experience!
Panel one: Jughead and Kevin Keller are standing behind the table on stage. Each has a large metal tub filled with apples and water. Both Jughead and Kevin Keller look on anxiously. The Presenter is up front and making the match announcement.
Presenter: Round one will be Eat The Bobbed Apples with Jughead Jones competing against Kevin Keller.
Presenter: Lads on my mark--!
Panel two: The Presenter motions with two fingers for the two to begin while running in place. Kevin Keller dunks his face in the water while Jughead dunks his entire head and begins to swirl the water around using his neck. A small spiral has formed with Jughead’s head in the center.
Presenter: GO GO GO!
Panel three: Kevin Keller has his head out of the water as he begins to eat an apple as Jughead just casually stands looking at Kevin with a smile. The water in Jughead’s tub is slowly still spinning in a small spiral with no apples seen because of this.
Kevin Keller: Jughead, um….you do know how this works, right? You’re supposed to bob for the apples.
Panel four: Jughead motions towards his tub as the water is still and apple cores begin floating to the surface to show that Jughead ate all of his apples when he had his head in the water. Kevin Keller looks on with wide-eyes as the apple he was eating slips out of his hand and his jaw drops.
Jughead: No. We have to eat the apples. No one ever said I had to take them out of the water.
Panel five: Kevin Keller shakes Jughead’s hand as Jughead accepts but looks over hungrily at Kevin Keller’s still full tub of apples.
Kevin Keller: I concede to the man with the better plan.
Jughead: Thanks. And are you to finish those?
Panel one: Pauline Elder looks on from behind the stage as she bends her wig to her face and strangles it in anger.
Pauline Elder: How did he win! His apples were made of wax!
Panel two: The Glutton walks up next to her and points to himself with both thumbs as he shows off. Pauline looks at the Glutton with disgust as she takes a step away from the slob.
The Glutton: Don’t worry! I’ll handle that skinny bean in the final after I eat the pink haired girl out of house and home!
Pauline: You had better. My plan only works if he loses to someone—like you.
Panel three: The Glutton sticks out his large stomach as he boasts to himself as he is full of confidence at his chance of winning.
The Glutton: Hah! I’m going up against a girl! Anybody can beat a girl!
Panel four: The Glutton looks to Pauline for reassurance as Pauline fixes her hair back to where it was as she rolls her eyes and curls her lips like she wants to just run out and get away from The Glutton.
The Glutton: We are going to cheat though, right?
Pauline: Yes, you twit!
Panel five; Pauline scratches her head as thinks back to the dog hair wig she wore and the fleas that came with it.
Pauline: Once word got out I wore a wig made of dog hair, I became the joke of the hairpiece trade! I want sweet cold revenge!
Panel six: The Glutton punches his open palm to show that he wants to make Jughead suffer to as Pauline smiles wickedly as she walks away.
The Glutton: Yeah! Revenge is a dish best served cold!
Pauline: Quite so. But let’s not discount a hot plate…
To Be continued
And I'm using to fan fic I've used before for villains because...eh, I just like villain team ups.
« on: October 29, 2014, 08:58:23 PM »
What if, for the Archie Horror brand, We had Cosmo the Evil Martian invade Earth, starting with the small town of Riverdale? We got horror what about a sci-fi series?
« on: October 29, 2014, 01:00:30 PM »
Well, it’s been awhile since I’ve done a review, but it’s also been awhile since a digest had a brand spanking new story in it too.
The new story: Hey new stuff! The Secret Santa Secret Swap is a pretty fun story for the most part and drawn well for the most part (I’ll talk about a few problems in the bad). The students of Riverdale draw names for Secret Santa even though Archie already has the perfect gift for Veronica, so Reggie gives him the idea to trade until he finds her name. This leads to a great chase with Archie going from student to student, which I really love because it’s a fun way to show off the secondary characters You see Raj, Harper, the New Class kids, Wendy Weatherbee and others. And Archie having to deal with shenanigans and shenanigans on his quest was fun. Like I said, there are a few problems, especially the end, but overall, for a six page story, it’s pretty fun. So kudos to Paul Kupperburg and Fernando Ruiz.
Drill Sergeant Patton Howitzer. Heck yeah! Mr. Weatherbee wants to show off his skills to the Riverdale football team, but the kids see this as their one chance to unload on him and take it, injuring his back. That leads to the school board bringing in THE SUBSITTUTE TEACER FROM HECK (yeah, this is a G rated review). And he runs the school like a bootcamp with the kids practically begging Mr. Weatherbee to recover quickily. I really like this character because it’s one of the few times you have an actual antagonist for the gang. I’m talking full on bad guy. No redeemable traits. He’s a horrible jerk to everyone. I wish he was still around because I think a few true bad guys would liven up Archie. Seriously, you’re telling me in all of Riverdale High, no other teen is a total spaz? C’mon!
Super Duck. Double Heck Yeah! The first story sees him planning to eat out for some good food and take the old thrown to the curb when you can’t pay bit, but the restaurant has other ideas. The next is him being lucky and his luck running out. I like the stories. Okay, the younger duck, I can see someone saying rip-off of Huey (it’s obviously Huey folks) but Super Duck’s personality shouldn’t make anyone think of Donald Duck.
Josie: Fun stories, especially the Melody based one that is so stupid…yeah, it’s perfect for Melody. And I gotta say—I like Albert a hundred fold better than Alan M. Because every time I happen to pick up a digest with a Josie and the Pussycats story he’s either boring or just a jerk. Yeah, Alexandra is mean, but she’s always nice to you, don’t push her to the ground you barbarian! Albert actually has personality to him. But I guess when it was revised big boring blond guys were in.
The Holiday stories. We get old school Jingles who is pretty darn vicious, Archie seeing the good and bad of being a mall Santa, how giving your boyfriend to your BFF for a day is nice for the season, but not for much longer than that. All the holiday stories are really fun reads. Especially the last one with Veronica’s present for Jughead. Heh Heh Heh.
The lead story’s ending. One I problem with The Secret Santa Secret Swap comes at the end. Okay, it’s fine because it looks like Reggie had Veronica’s name all along and gave Archie the idea to run around on a wild goose chase but then it turns out—Betty’s idea after she heard what Archie was doing. But Reggie saw Archie trade with Jughead and then gave him the idea to trade for Veronica, so Betty never had time to give Reggie the idea. It doesn’t make sense. It would have worked better if Reggie had Veronica’s name to jerk with Archie and Archie is happy ending up with Betty. And since I just nicked pick Paul Kupperberg, I’ll be fair and do the same with Fernando Ruiz (please forgive me!) Vic looked a little to small and not muscular enough when Archie talks with him (From what I understand, Vic is taller and more muscular than even Moose) And I had trouble telling who Archie was taking over dog walking duties for to get a trade. I thought it was Dilton at first, but I’m pretty sure it’s Chloe. I mean, for the most part I like the story, But with the Betty idea part—WHA?
Mr. Weatherbee. I like Mr. Weatherbee, but wow, kinda unloaded on the Weatherbee stories on this one. And they’re okay, but there’s also a reason why Mrs. Bliss didn’t last and got turned into Saved by the Bell. Maybe Faculty Follies memories are working against me.
One story where you really can’t distinguish Betty and Veronica. I just don’t like it when you could really just switch the two in story and nothing would be affected. What are we, Michael Bendis?
What I learned from this issue.
1. Jingles is a sadistic monster.
2. Ribbons and Christmas Wrap are surprisingly great to use to hold someone captive.
3. Wow. Toni Topaz on the cover and in the comic? So it is possible!
4. I don’t think Archie and the Teens fully grasp the concept of Secret Santa.
5. Discipline from Drill Sergeant Patton Howitzer will continue until moral improves, soldiers!
6. We can put Fir Tree in front yard on the list of things Mr. Lodge likes more than Archie.
7. Never do too good a job on a difficult task that happens that you could do next year.
8. The Eighties were all about big hair, small computers, and arcade trophies.
9. Never give your date to your best friend on Christmas!
10. Riverdale High School Football defense…what you did to Weatherbee wasn’t just a penalty, that was attempted murder!
I’ll give this issue a B. I really like the idea to the lead story, but that ending just hurt it. But five pages out of six isn’t bad. The art throughout was good. We got the into of Barry Howitzer. Great Holiday stories, Josie stories, and Super Duck I think there were too many Weatherbee center stories, but overall I’m happy with the purchase.
Panel one: The setting is the Jones Family living room. Jughead is strapping Jellybean into her stroller as Jellybean is excited to go outside with Jughead as Mrs. Jones looks on reluctantly in response to Jughead’s words.
Jughead: Well, Jellybean, it’s that time of year for me to help you pick out your Halloween costume!
Panel two: Mrs. Jones comments as she is skeptical about Jughead’s choice of costume for Jellybean as Jughead smile fades after what he hears.
Mrs. Jones: Yes, I’m sure it’ll be another “wonderful” selection. Maybe a truck driver or duck call maker this year.
Panel three: Jughead turns to his mother as she smiles and rolls her eyes.
Jughead: All fine choices, but I can’t help but believe you are being one snarky mommy.
Mrs. Jones: That’s the silliest way to put it.
Panel one: Mrs. Jones is talking to Jughead as a display of the various costumes that Jughead has bought Jellybean is displayed in the background. One costume is Jellybean as a construction worker with a mustache, another is Jellybean as a ninja with a name tag that reads: Ned, and another has her dressed like Super Mario with a note on her chest reading: I’m not a princess, I SAVE PRINCESSES
Mrs. Jones: When have you ever selected an appropriate Halloween costume for Jellybean? Every year you dress her up in boy costumes!
Panel two: Jughead shrugs his shoulders as he doesn’t understand the problem. In her stroller, Jellybean is playing with a Cosmo The Merry Martian Doll that is wearing a phantom of the opera costume.
Mrs. Jones: It’s time you accept that you have a little sister and nothing will change that. Especially clothing.
Jughead: Maybe, but I bet I’ll make a tomboy out of her.
Panel three: Mrs. Jones is waving her arms as Jughead listens.
Mrs. Jones: Do you know how embarrassing it is when my lady friends show off their little princesses while Jellybean is a miniature hobo?
Jughead: Y’know for someone who says being a mom is a full time job; you find time to call friends and gossip.
Panel four: Mrs. Jones glares at Jughead as Jughead realizes he pushed his mother too far.
Jughead: Um, just remember, I’m your son and you love me no matter what I do or say.
Mrs. Jones: It would be much easier if you said less and did more!
Panel five: Jughead rushes out the door with Jellybean as Jellybean uses the Cosmo the Merry Phantom Doll to wave goodbye as Mrs. Jones yells at Jughead.
Jughead: Fine! If I must, I’ll make a little lady out of my little sister!
Mrs. Jones: A princess, Jughead! I want a princess!
Panel one: Jughead and Jellybean are walking into Manny Face’s Only Costume Shop as two people dressed like zombies walk out. One of them is eating a bag of cheesy puffs while the other is carrying a teddy bear. Next door to the costume shop is Dodo Karate Dojo on the right and a small hospital clinic, on the left, where several of the battered Dodo Dojo students are heading. One has his hand half way through a wooden board, but is now stuck.
Jughead: Well, Jellybean, here we are. The local costume shop. Where you come in as you, and out as someone else.
Jughead: I should take Reggie here. It can only be an improvement.
Panel two: Two teens dressed like Freddy Kruger and Jason Vorhees walk past the Jones sibling as Freddy waves goodbye to Jellybean as Jellybean clutches her Cosmo doll close to her for protection. Jughead smiles reassuringly at Jellybean.
Jughead: Now, now, Jellybean, those aren’t real monsters. Just remember that no matter how scary someone looks in here, they’re just human beings.
Panel three: Ethel wearing Frankenstein make-up and a Many Face Costume Shop shirt happily skips towards Jughead and Jellybean as Jughead begins to shake and shiver uncontrollably.
Ethel: Juggie! How would you like to be the Husband of Frankensteina? I work here so I can get you a great discount for a smooch!
Pane four: A shot outside of the costume shop as Jughead screams inside. The karate students clear out of the Dodo Dojo and patients in wheelchairs and crutches rush out of the clinic in response to Jughead’s scream.
Jughead in costume shop: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!
Panel five: Back inside of the costume shop, Jughead has ducked behind the stroller and is using Jellybean as a shield as he crotches down.
Ethel: How about a hug?
Jughead: How about a long distance call?
Panel one: Jughead is walking towards the Chocklit Shop as it has been decorated for Halloween with a giant banner over the door reading: HALLOWEEN BURGERS—GET THEM BEFORE THEY EXPIRE! Under the lettering is a picture of a ghost, witch, and jack-o-lantern, each on a bun. On the windows of the Chocklit Shop is a chalk drawn graveyard with a figure of Pop Tate sitting on a grave marked for Segarini. Segarini is walking away from the window in a huff as his response to the drawing. On the sidewalk several children are walking like Frankenstein’s monster as they follow their mom whose hair resembles the Bride of Frankenstein to the surprise of several onlookers.
Jughead: Halloween Burgers? Weird. Pop usually avoids these gimmicks and let’s his food speak for itself.
Jughead: But if his burgers want to say “boo” who am I to protest?
Panel two: Jughead is sitting on his stool at the counter with his body positioned towards the left so he is not facing up front and cannot see who is in front of him.
Jughead: A Halloween burger to scare my hunger away!
Panel three: Jughead’s eyes light up in concern as a female hand places a plate with a burger
Off-panel: Not a problem, Juggers. In fact, I already anticipated your arrival and order.
Jughead: That voice. That’s the voice of evil. The voice of my arch nemesis—
Panel one: Jughead turns his head to see Trula Twyst wearing a Pop Tate apron and identical hat standing over the grill and smiling down at him. On the grill are several burgers shaped like ghosts, witches, and jack-o-lanterns. Trula is flipping a ghost burger over as Pop Tate, sporting a cast on his hand and wrist, looks on and nods in a approval.
Jughead: --TRULA TWYST?!
Jughead: Pop! Her cooking your burgers is worse than a blind date with Madam Satan! What’s going on!?
Panel two: Jughead stands up and points at Pop Tate as he demands to know what Trula is doing working the grill as Pop Tate shows Jughead his cast. As they talk Trula is handing Archie and Veronica each a plate with burgers and fries.
Pop Tate: I slipped while mopping up and broke my wrist. Trula volunteered to help, and she’s been doing a great job.
Jughead: Pop! How could you do that!?
Panel three: Trula turns to talk to Jughead as she puts more fries in the deep fryer as Jughead yells back at her.
Trula: Most cleaning chemicals are slippery when wet, Juggers. If you did chores, you might know that!
Jughead: I’ve watched my mom do plenty of housework to know that, smart aleck!
Panel four: Jughead points at his burger as Pop Tate shrugs his shoulder.
Jughead: I’m talking about letting that evil red haired entity besmirching this holy burger sanctuary!
Pop Tate: Jughead, she’s done a great job. The burgers are up to par and she even came up with the Halloween Burger gimmick.
Panel one: Jughead turns to Trula as Trula smiles and closes her eyes as she acts all innocent as she hands Moose a triple decker Halloween Burger as he licks his lips in anticipation. Standing next to him is Midge, who simple takes a plate of salad.
Jughead: Did she now…?
Panel two: Jughead points at his burger as he demands to know what Trula is trying to pull.
Jughead: What’s the angle, Twyst?
Trula: Simple enough. I saw this as a great opportunity to witness Food Psychology, how food affects our behavior and identifies hidden depths.
Panel three: Trula continues to explain as Jughead begins to take the top bun off his burger as he goes to examine his burger patty. Pop Tate is listening to Trula and actually seems intrigued.
Trula: For example, you have a plate of pasta and salad, and a person who worries about calories and an athlete wanting to gain muscle would have different responses.
Trula: Another example pertaining to yourself, Juggers: Your favorite burgers, the same recipe, only with a different cook. How do you react?
Panel four: Jughead pushes the plate back away from him as he gives his response to a perplexed Pop Tate and a not surprised Trula as Trula curls her lips and rolls her eyes as her reply.
Jughead: I react by questioning why would I want a witch on a bun coming from a witch behind the grill?
Panel five: Jughead turns away and folds his arms as he refuses to have anything to do with Trula’s burger.
Jughead: I refuse to even nibble on anything that viper has spewed her venom on!
Panel one: Pop Tate motions to the other teens eating in the diner as Carla, Chloe, and Sheila are eating their burgers. As Carla is eating she is swatting away Prankenstein’s hand as he tries to walk by and snatch a few French fries from her plate. Sitting further down the counter Midge looks in shock as Moose was trying to eat his triple decker Halloween burger in one bite and now it’s stuck in his mouth.
Pop Tate: Jughead, you’re being ridiculous! Just look! Everyone is enjoying the burgers! I haven’t seen a single unhappy customer!
Panel two: Jughead clenches his mouth shut, shakes his head, and points at the burger.
Panel three: Jughead then points a finger at Trula and sticks a finger down his throat and acts like he is throwing up.
Panel four: Pop Tate is point at the door as he has become tired with Jughead’s attitude, Trula teasingly waves goodbye as Jughead leers at her with total disdain.
Pop Tate: That’s it! If that’s your attitude and you’re not going to eat, then you can just leave and loiter somewhere else!
Panel five: Jughead is halfway outside the door as he prepares to slam the door behind him as several small kids look at him in confusion as they play with their burgers and the patties.
Jughead: Fine! Until that female Freud is not standing behind the counter, I’ll take my tab to another establishment!
Panel one: Pop Tate sighs as he leans against the counter as Trula flips a burger on her spatula as she motions with her head at the edge of the counter that has a sheet that reads: JUGHEAD’S TAB that stretches all the way to the ground.
Pop Tate: Sigh. There goes my number one customer…!
Trula: Interesting. I always believed a key requirement for the number one customer would be to pay for his food.
Panel two: Pop Tate turns to talk to Trula as he motions towards several tables that are happily eating.
Pop Tate: I know he’s a mooch, but he’s a mooch that gives my modest fast food establishment rave reviews that brings in the hungry stomachs!
Panel three: Pop Tate leans his head on the counter as he is worried that his business will taper off.
Pop Tate: Segarini is probably coming up with his own gimmick to compete with mine, and Jughead will find his way there and the sheep will follow leaving me with an empty pasture!
Panel four: Trula puts a reassuring hand on Pop Tate’s shoulder.
Trula: Not if you have the ultimate sells pitch that collaborates perfectly with the season.
Panel five: Pop Tate stands up straight as he talks with Trula as Trula is all smiles
Pop Tate: What sells pitch? Jughead refuses to eat food and everyone will think the food is bad!
Panel six: Trula smirks as he eyes narrow as she has a devious plan obviously brewing in her mind.
Trula: That’s one interpretation, but I have a much more profitable one in mind.
Page 1 (all black and white save for mentioned colors and the last panel)
Panel one: The time setting is the 1920s as we see from behind the head of a blond haired girl with blond hair going to her lower back and is wearing a flapper dress as she walks down a street. A teenage newsie along with a grown man in black coat and top hat stare at Mary with hearts in their eyes; the man’s wife does not approve as she is about to hit him with her purse. On the road two Ford Model T’s have wrecked but both male drivers don’t care as they look at Mary with hearts over their heads.
Caption: The story goes that Mary Delmont was the most beautiful girl in Riverdale who no one could resist.
Panel two: A close up back shot of Mary brushing her hair as she sits at her dresser stand with a giant mirror attachment. Her reflection cannot be seen as a small red, yellow, and orange light illuminates brightly in the mirror. Mary doesn’t react to it as she’s more focused on herself.
Caption. This made Mary vain. She would spend hours on end just looking into a mirror, oblivious to the rest of the world.
Panel three: A further back behind the back shot of Mary as she is dressed like a princess and sitting at the dresser stand as she is looking into the mirror and brushing her hair without a care in the world, even though we can see in the background her bedroom is on fire (including her bed). Her clothing consists of a pink and purple dress with sleeves that go to her elbows, long white gloves that cover up the rest of her arms, white stockings, and white overshoes. Her clothing covers up all of her body. On the dresser counter is a tiara and a porcelain mask with etched in lips as the only detail in the otherwise blank white mask. The mask is propped up against the mirror so it looks like it is watching everything that is happening
Caption: At a Halloween party the Delmont’s hosted, a fire broke out.
Caption: Everyone was evacuated, save for Mary.
Panel four: A shot of the comb and mask on the drawer as the brush is burning and the mask is seemingly looking at Mary burning off-panel as bright orange, yellow, and red light reflect on the mask. The tiara is beginning to melt as a small flame melts it to slag.
Caption: And by the time she noticed the flames, it was far, far too late.
Panel five: A shot of the old Delmont Mansion as it stands up on a hill, overlooking all of Riverdale and all the grass and trees leading up to the mansion are small, lean, barren and dying as a swirling wind kicks up dead leaves and blows out the rusty, open black wrought iron gates to the mansion. The Mansion is in gothic design with arched broken or cracked windows and etched in mythical creatures all along the three floors of the mansion foundation A Delmont D Emblem over the double main door entrance of the mansion. Eight visible chimneys, a visible skylight. The foundation is brick, concrete, and limestone. Very similar to The Breakers. The mansion has been burnt and the foundation has been heavily cracked and broken. The D emblem has been cracked in two. All the creatures etched into the mansion foundation look viscous. Four of the chimneys have broken off and remain on the roof of the mansion or fallen to the ground below. The skylight of the mansion is broken in various spots.
Caption: But it’s said that Mary is still there. Watching and waiting for someone to enter the abandoned mansion so she can replace the face she lost that Halloween night….
Panel one: The setting is Miss Grundy’s history classroom. A shot of Betty, Veronica, Ethel, and Chloe standing in front of a long wooden table with a diorama and 3/4th poster board on it. The diorama is of Delmont mansion with a three-fourths poster board around the diorama with the left side having various drawings of a teenage girl shadow wearing a porcelain mask. The middle has the title THE LEGEND OF SCARY MARY and under it various pictures of the actual mansion. The right side of the poster board has a small newspaper article and the following poem written out:
Mary, Mary life of joy;
Mary, Mary kiss the boys.
Scary Mary lost her face,
Scary Mary must replace.
Enter her home, no one to blame,
When your face Scary Mary claims!
Betty is up front of Ms. Grundy’s classroom as she is finishing up her speech while Ethel is handing out a scrapbook titled Scary Mary to Ginger. Nancy is behind Ginger and is looking over Ginger’s shoulder to see the scrapbook. Chloe is standing next to the card board and is taking a picture of it with a digital camera while Veronica is holding up a replicaof the porcelain mask as she flirts with Archie. The mask is missing the etched in lips of the true Scary Mary mask. Behind the girls, the marker reads: RIVERDALE LOCAL HISTORY WEEK. Sitting in the front row next to Ginger is Cheryl Blossom who does not look the least bit impressed as she has her elbow on her desk and rest her head on her hand palm. Ms. Grundy is standing by her desk as she looks on approvingly. On her desk is a pumpkin and an apple; both have worms coming out the top of each fruit only with the pumpkin worm sticking its tongue out to mock the apple worm. The walls of the classroom are decorated with various Halloween cut outs. Hanging from the ceiling of the classroom are orange and black bats.
Betty: And that is our presentation on The Legend of Scary Mary.
Miss Grundy: Very well done girls.
Panel two: Cheryl turns to Ginger and chastises the presentation as Veronica looks down at her. Ginger jumps back in her seat as a pop-up of Scary Mary jumps off a page of the scrapbook and scares her. Nancy chuckles in response.
Cheryl: Yeah. Like anyone believes that there is some ugly girl wearing a mask in Riverdale!
Panel three: Veronica tosses the porcelain mask at Cheryl and quips at her as Cheryl grits her teeth and leers at Veronica. Ginger, while passing the scrapbook behind her, tries hard not to laugh while Chloe takes a picture of Cheryl.
Veronica: Here. Why wait until Halloween to make us believers, Cheryl.
Panel one: Cheryl stands up as she slams the mask down on her desk as she points at the marker board behind the girls. All the girls react in a “well, here she goes again,” as they frown.
Cheryl: This wasn’t even the assignment! We’re supposed to report on local history, not tell a ghost story!
Panel two: Miss Grundy walks towards Cheryl as she motions towards the diorama and the poster board as Betty and Ethel gather with Veronica and Chloe.
Miss Grundy: Cheryl, legends have basis in reality. The Delmont family were prominent fixtures of Riverdale, dating back to the Civil War.
Panel three: Ginger holds up her hand as she wants to ask a question.
Miss Grundy: Ginger.
Ginger: You said “were”. What happened to the Delmonts?
Panel four: Cheryl holds the mask near her face and mockingly acts like Scary Mary as Ginger turns towards her, slightly annoyed.
Cheryl: Weren’t you listening? Scary Mary scared them off!
Panel five: Miss Grundy turns towards Betty and the rest of her group.
Miss Grundy: Betty maybe you and your group can shed light on this inquiry?
Panel six: Ethel points at a newspaper clipping just under the Scary Mary rhyme as it shows a picture of the Delmont mansion as it was in the 20s.
Ethel: Just this one newspaper article saying they left without warning is all we could find, Miss Grundy.
Panel one: Nancy holds up her hand as Miss Grundy calls on her.
Miss Grundy: Yes, Nancy?
Panel two: Nancy talks to Miss Grundy as Miss Grundy puts her right index finger at her chin and begins to think about Nancy’s question.
Nancy: Miss Grundy, what is your take on why the Delmonts leaving Riverdale?
Miss Grundy: Hmm. Well, that was a bit even before my time…
Panel three: Miss Grundy talking with the class as everyone listens to her.
Miss Grundy: My grandfather told me the Delmonts had made bad investments and fled from debt collectors and the courts.
Miss Grundy: It could possibly be that living where you daughter perished was unbearable for Mr. Delmont.
Panel four: Miss Grundy looks over at the poster board and diorama as Betty, Veronica, Ethel, and Chloe follow her eyes towards the left side of the poster board where the pictures of Scary Mary are.
Miss Grundy: All logical assumptions—but for the life of me I can’t help but think of one simple verse from Hamlet the more I reflect on the question--
Panel five: A close up on the drawing of Scary Mary with the main focus being the dark, black eyes.
Caption: “There are more things in Heaven and Earth, than dreamt in our philosophy.”
Panel one: Betty, Veronica, Chloe, and Ethel are walking out of the classroom as the bell has rung to end class and everyone is making there way up and down the hall. Ethel is in deep thought as Chloe notices. Veronica is stroking her hair as she waves goodbye to Archie who is about to run into an open locker door as a teenage boy is putting up his books for the day. Betty is still pumped about the presentation and how it went as she is all smiles.
Betty: Good job, everyone! We really earned that A!
Veronica: Of course. Brains and Beauty.
Panel two: Chloe turns to Ethel as Ethel replies.
Chloe: What’s wrong, Ethel?
Ethel: I was just thinking…
Panel three: Ethel is talking with the girls as they all listen. In the background, Mr. Weatherbee and Svenson are carrying an unconscious Archie on a stretcher away to get medical help. Archie has large bump on his forehead.
Ethel: That Scary Mary is real.
Panel four: Betty, Veronica, and Chloe’s eyes light up and they try to fight off the giggles in nearly the same manner with their hands over their mouths as their cheeks are puffed out.
Panel five: Betty, Veronica, and Chloe burst into laughter as Ethel is taken by surprise.
Betty, Veronica, and Chloe: HA HA HA HA!!
Panel six: Betty is trying to apologize as Ethel grumbles, folds her arms across her chest, and turns away from the group. Veronica is wiping a tear from her eye as Chloe is bent over clutching her ribs.
Betty: Heh. Sorry, Ethel. You (snort) just took us by surprise!
Panel one: Ethel is defending herself as Betty has stopped laughing and is listening to Ethel.
Ethel: What about that picture that Chloe took of the Delmont Mansion?
Betty: What about it?
Panel two: Ethel shrugs her shoulders as she didn’t know that no one else noticed what she did in the picture. Betty tilts her head in confusion as Veronica looks over at Chloe as Chloe is going into her pocket for her digital camera.
Ethel: There was something looking out one of the second story windows.
Chloe: I didn’t delete the pictures, so let’s just take a quick look.
Panel three: Chloe is looking into her digital camera as the girls crowd around her to look. In the background we can see Cheryl Blossom and Ginger looking on with Cheryl seemingly far more interested. Cheryl has a small bookpack over her right shoulder.
Chloe: Just let me get to the file, there’s the picture…let’s see if I can zoom, fix the pixilation a bit. And—
Panel four: A close-up on the digital camera screen as it seems like a white porcelain mask is looking out the window. The picture is still blurry and distorted so some question can be asked if that is a mask.
Betty off-panel: Okay, that is kinda creepy.
Panel five: Cheryl has a smirk across her face as she walks towards the girls while giving a confused Ginger her bookpack. In the background a teenager is unhappily looking at his closed locker door that has a face imprint of Archie on it.
Veronica: What’s creepy about it? It’s just light reflecting off the window.
Panel one: Cheryl is talking to the group of girls as Veronica turns and snarls at her. The other girls are much more cordial.
Cheryl: My, my, what are the local paranormal investigators of Riverdale High gossiping about?
Veronica: None of your business.
Panel two: Ethel, ignoring Veronica’s previous comment, cheerfully replies as Veronica groans as she knows this is going to give Cheryl fuel to continue pestering them.
Ethel: We were just trying to decide if this picture was a ghost!
Panel three: Cheryl Blossom snatches the camera out of Chloe’s hands as she begins to look through the images.
Cheryl: Sounds like you need a second opinion! Let’s look at all of your pictures!
Panel four: Cheryl tosses the digital camera heedlessly back at Chloe as Chloe has to duck and dive from stopping it from landing on the floor. Veronica continues to give Cheryl a death glare as Betty and Ethel are puzzled by Cheryl’s remark.
Cheryl: I don’t know if that’s a picture of a ghost, but it’s easy to see that you all believe in ghosts.
Betty: What do you mean by that, Cheryl?
Panel five: Cheryl is stretching out her arms to show off the inside of the school building to illustrate her point. Chloe lets out a sigh of relief that she saved her camera while the rest of the girls are focused on Cheryl.
Cheryl: It’s simple. All of those pictures are from outside of the Delmont Mansion.
Panel six: Cheryl is stroking her hair and striking a pose to further bait Veronica as Veronica has her fists balled to the point veins can be seen. The rest of the girls are irritated but not to the extent of Veronica.
Cheryl Blossom: Ergo, you all obviously believe in Scary Mary and didn’t want to risk losing your face.
Cheryl Blossom: Of course some of you—Veronica—needn’t have worried so.
Panel one; Veronica gets right at Cheryl’s face and goes nose to nose with her. Cheryl still has her confident smile and a twinkle in her eyes as she is not affected by Veronica’s declarations.
Veronica: One. There are no such things as ghosts! So there is nothing in that mansion to be afraid of!
Veronica: Two. If she were real, Scary Mary would beg to have my face! Plead even!
Panel two: Cheryl leans into Veronica’s face and challenges her as Veronica does not back down.
Cheryl: If you’re so certain, why don’t we make a little wager?
Panel three: Cheryl points at Veronica, Betty, Chloe and Ethel as she issues the challenge. Veronica stands in front of the other girls who turn to each other and do not like this challenge at all.
Cheryl: If you and you friends can go all through Delmont Mansion, I’ll give you all my boyfriends I have scheduled for the next four weeks!
Cheryl: You lose, and Archie Andrews is all mine for the next four weeks!
Panel four: Betty tries to say no, but Veronica reaches back and puts a hand over her mouth.
Betty: Our Archie! Then the answer is---mpphhhhhh!
Veronica: You’re on!
Panel five: Cheryl Blossom walks away confidently as Veronica shakes a fist in her direction as Betty, shaking her head to signal no, is trying to pull Veronica’s hand off her mouth with both arms while Chloe and Ethel look on nervously.
Cheryl: Let’s make it Halloween night.
Veronica: Fine by us!
Betty: Mmphhnn mmmphnn!!
Stories where someone did something supper nice or pulled at the heart strings.
One story had Beazly fix something so horrible that Jughead couldn't eat it and him and Reggie poked fun at her. Seeing how upset it made her, Archie ate a plate--got him sick, but he still did the right thing.
Panel one: Inside of the Lodge Living Room as Archie, Jughead, Betty, Veronica, and Reggie are watching the Lodge seventy inch TV as it is showing Josie and the Pussycats and Katy Keene participating in the ALS Ice Bucket challenge as Madhouse Glads are toweling off after already taking the challenge. Fran the Fan is up on a step ladder as she pours the ice cold bucket of water on Katy Keene who takes it in stride. Betty, Archie, Reggie and Veronica are sitting on a sofa while Jughead is sitting on the ground eating a bucket of popcorn. Archie and Reggie are wide-eyed as they watch Katy Keene get water poured on her. Betty doesn’t notice Archie and Reggie while Veronica scowls at the two. Jughead doesn’t pay it any mind as he just watches the TV.
Betty: Wow, can you believe how popular the ALS Ice Bucket challenge has become!
Archie and Reggie: We can believe!
Veronica: Forget ice water, I know two people who will be in hot water if they don’t close their jaws and blink their eyes!
Panel two: Betty is talking as the rest of the gang look towards her as she is all smiles and points at the TV as Josie is now having the ice water poured down her back. Jughead is flipping popcorn into his mouth as he quips. Veronica sneers at him in response.
Betty: Why don’t we do an ice bucket challenge here in Riverdale?
Jughead: Because Veronica might melt.
Panel three: Betty is standing up as she pumps her fists and becomes ultra motivated as she tries to get the rest of the gang to join in on her idea. As she is talking Veronica is stretching over Reggie to kick Jughead in the back of the head as Reggie looks on with a smirk. Archie is agreeing with Betty.
Betty: C’mon, we can do it! We can round up our friends and families and do our part!
Archie: I’m with Betty. Every dollar we can raise only helps with research and to find a cure.
Panel one: Veronica, hoping to steal Betty’s thunder, is standing up and has her right arm around Betty’s shoulder as Betty looks at the boys as they all smile and seem to be onboard. Reggie is patting Jughead on the head as he pretty much is telling who his target for the ice challenge will be. Archie rolls his eyes at Reggie.
Veronica: And we can have it right here! We can make a party of it. Food, drinks, games, and I’m sure we can think of other activities to gather up money for ALS!
Reggie: Sounds likes a good time. And I know who I’m going to challenge right off the bat.
Jughead: What else can I expect from a drip?
Panel two: Betty turns to Veronica as she is concerned that maybe Veronica’s parents might not approve of such an extravagant event Veronica is planning. Veronica laughs it off as she seems overly confident that she knows her parents will be fine with it.
Betty: But, Ronnie, this is all of a sudden and we’re planning some pretty big things. Do you think your parents will be okay with it?
Veronica: Betty, dear Betty, just leave it to me. I know how to handle my parents.
Panel three: A shot of Veronica on her knees with her hands enclosed as she is begging her parents to let her have the Ice Bucket Challenge party. The rest of the group looks on with shame at the display. Betty is face palming while Reggie is looking up and rolling his eyes. Jughead is looking at Archie in a “really” body expression as Archie feigns a smile and shrugs his shoulders up to his ears. Mr. and Mrs. Lodge look slightly amused.
Veronica: …And that’s when we decided we wanted to make a big event of it! To help donate more money to the ALS Association. Please Please Please! It’s for a good cause!!
Panel four: Mr. And Mrs. Lodge roll their eyes over at each other and smile as Veronica looks up hopefully.
Panel five: Mr. and Mrs. Lodge both nod in approval as Veronica leaps for joy as the rest of the gang celebrates with her.
Mrs. Lodge: Veronica, we think it’s wonderful that you want to help and want to involve all your friends and the community.
Mr. Lodge: We’ll help furnish the food, water, ice, and buckets, but I expect you and your rag tag crew to make up games and other events that could help raise money.
Panel six: Archie’s hair stands up on end as Mr. Lodge is right behind him and sneering at him.
Mr. Lodge: Besides, I’m looking forward to issuing a few challenges of my own, and I’m itching to try out my Artic Ice Maker 5000.
Panel one: A high angle view of the Lodge backyard, which is several acres, as it looks like a small carnival has been set up. From the high angle view we can see various booths and lines leading to step ladders as teens and adults wait in line to have a bucket of water dropped on them. Next to one line ( the line having Vic, Simon Silverstein, Akira, and Nick St. Clair as Marcy is on the step ladder as Juanita hands her a bucket) is Carol Norita and Chuck as they are sitting in chairs and drawing caricatures of the splashed teens. Another line has Kumi, Ethel, Rob and a screeching Shrill as Tomoko pours the water down her back. Next to Tomoko, Raj is filming the entire thing. The last line has Harper, Wendy Weatherbee, Lonnie Eastman and a being splashed Googie Gilmore as Kevin Keller is on the step ladder doing the honor. Sherry Thyme is next to Kevin as she is doing cheers to motivate the others. One booth has Nancy and Carlos sitting at a table as they paint the buckets of Adam and Randy. Another booth has Ginger as she has a stand of highly decorative towels as a wet Bobbi Suarez and Sayid Jamall Ali pay for a towel. An ice cream eating contest booth is in place as Chunk, Jughead, and Toni Topaz are competing as The Twitters are tweeting about it to each other; each has a large bucket of ice cream that they are diving their heads into. There is a booth selling buckets for two dollars that is being manned by Cricket O’Dell (sniffing money with her free hand) as she sells one to Jinx Malloy, Jinx’s bucket immediately falls apart much to his dismay. Close by are the Blossom twins with a bucket of water and decorated buckets as they point and yell at each other. At a band set up, Frankie, Maria, and Bridgette are rehearsing as Carla Teal, Chloe, and Sandy Sanchez listen on. Close by Sheila Wu is groaning as Simon Silverstein has fake glasses and spring eyes sticking out. At a burger stand Tono and Pop Tate are flipping burgers as Moose and Midge wait for theirs; Gaston has a table of elegant food decked out on a table as no one is eating his food and he looks enviously at Pop Tate and Tono. Dani Malloy is working on connecting a water hose to Q-Tee as Trula and Dilton look on. Various family members, Riverdale faculty, and various other adults are walking around enjoying talking with one another. In other words anyone you remember imagine being there for the Ice Bucket Challenge. In the middle of it all is Archie, Reggie, Betty, and Veronica as they are really proud of all they have accomplished. Before entering the backyard is a banner hung on two large wooden poles reading: RIVERDALE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE! At a booth just before entering is Smithers taking up money and welcoming guests inside.
Archie: Wow, it’s amazing what a few days and lots of friends can do!
Panel two: Archie, Betty, Reggie, and Veronica are looking around as they try to find Jughead. Archie has his hand over his eye as he tries to for Jughead as Reggie just waves him off. Veronica scoffs as she obviously has seen Jughead. Dani and Dilton are running away spraying them with cold water and ice cubes as Trula looks on with a smile as she made it out dry.
Archie: Say, where is Jughead? He said he’d meet us here.
Veronica: Hmph. I should have known…
Panel three: Jughead is walking way from the ice cream eating contest as he has obviously won as he has various ice cream flavors on his face and shirt. At the table Chunk and Toni Topaz are collapsed on the table and holding their heads as they have a major case of head freeze. The Twitters are using their phones to record Chunk and Toni as a wet Wendy Weatherbee and Vic look on in confusion. Jughead is proudly heading towards his friends as a winner. Archie and Betty are proud of him as Veronica is sticking her tongue out and pointing a finger into her mouth. Reggie is sneaking off panel as he has a wicked look in his eyes.
Jughead: I scream, you scream, I scream for someone to get more ice cream!!
Betty: Wow. Congratulations Jughead!
Archie: Way to go, Jug.
Panel four: Reggie is sneaking behind Jughead on his tip toes holding a water bucket as he prepares to splash Jughead across the back of the neck. Archie and Betty try to warn Jughead, but Veronica covers each of their mouths with one of her hands as she feigns interest in what Jughead is saying. Jughead tilts his head to his right as he knows something is up with Veronica.
Veronica: Er, I mean…that’s very quant. Tell us more about your win—while looking directly at us.
Panel five: Reggie is splashing Jughead across the back with the ice cold bucket of water as Jughead’s eyes bulge up and he begins to shake all over.
Reggie: Hah! I be all that ice cream’s got you thirsty, goofball! Have a sip of nice cold water!!
Jughead: Colder than a female’s kiss in the artic circle!!
Panel one: Archie and Betty protest as Reggie tosses the bucket over his shoulder as he is proud of his work. Jughead has his arms folded over his chest and is shivering as he leers at Reggie. Veronica looks on and chuckles.
Betty: That’s not how it works, Reggie!
Archie: Yeah, you’re supposed to challenge Jughead, not just sneak up on him!
Panel two: Reggie waves them off he is nonchalant about the rules. Jughead is wringing out his hat as he scowls at Reggie.
Reggie: We shouldn’t let details get in the way of charity!
Panel three: Jughead points a finger at Reggie’s chest as Reggie scoffs as he doesn’t take Jughead’s challenge seriously as he is full of himself.
Jughead: Yeah. Well, now that I’ve done my part, I can challenge someone. And that someone is you!
Reggie: Pffft. Who would want to dump a bucket of ice cold water on the greatest human alive? I’m a teen idol, a future legend!
Panel four: Reggie is yelling behind Jughead and the gang as Harper, Kevin Keller, Kumi, Bobbi Suarez, and Lonnie listen in as they all have a bucket of water. Raj is filming the Blossom kids water bucketing the other as he looks over at Reggie.
Reggie: Hey! I just got challenged by snout nose! Can you guys believe how dumb he is or what?!
Panel five: Archie, Betty, Veronica, and Jughead look on as Kevin Keller, Kumi, Harper, Bobbi Suarez and Lonnie Eastman begin to chase after Reggie as they all are prepared to splash him. Harper has her bucket on her lap as she speeds along in her wheelchair just behind everyone else. Behind her, Raj is following behind to film everything. Archie shakes his head while Veronica face palms. Betty winces as she can imagine that much ice water won’t fell good, while Jughead looks proudly on with a smile from ear to ear.
Archie: It is amazing how stupid some people are.
Jughead: Now, now, Arch. It’s for charity.
Panel one: Archie and Veronica are confronted by Cheryl Blossom and Jason Blossom as they are being challenged by the twins as Betty looks on as Jughead begins to walk away unnoticed. Archie has hearts over his head as he stares lovingly at Cheryl, completely oblivious to the insult coming from Cheryl.
Cheryl: Well, well, the queen of the townies and her freckled face boy toy!
Veronica: Cheryl, it’s amazing how you can be just as dirty after a bucket of water is poured on as you were before.
Panel two: Jason points at Veronica and Archie as they reluctantly begin to follow along. Cheryl motions at Veronica to follow her along as she mocks Veronica who scowls, but does comply. Betty seems disappointed as she was expecting to come along.
Jason: Funny, Lodge. Consider both of you challenged!
Veronica: Fine. Let’s go find Raj, so it’s recorded and get it over with.
Betty: What about me? I wanna be challenged!
Panel three: Jason has hearts over his eyes as he timidly talks to Betty as Betty is disappointed and confused. Veronica and Archie walk ahead arm in arm as Veronica waves goodbye at Betty. Cheryl is becoming impatient with Jason.
Jason: Gee, B-b-betty. I could never, ever have you drenched. You’re an angle—er I mean, angel and the water might dampen you…you’re wings and—you’ll fall in love…and….
Panel four: Cheryl grabs Jason by the ear as she snarls at him and his face tightens as he is in an incredible amount of pain.
Cheryl: Would you c’mon? It’s bad enough you drenched your own better-than-you sister, but you are not making me wait too!!
Panel five: Betty looks on dejectedly as she is watching Archie and Veronica kiss as The Blossom Twins each pour a bucket of water on the two. Raj is filming the entire thing as Q-Tee is using his hose to splash Mr. Adams and Ms. Lauriette as Rob is showing off his painted bucket. Danni looks on and apologizes to the teachers.
Panel one: Betty turns around to find that Jughead is missing. Walking past her is the Riverdale Bulldog mascot carrying a giant dog bowl of ice and water on one side while Ms. Ganesh, Mr. Fine, and Ms. Ashton walk past her as Svenson is carrying a step ladder and a bucket just behind the three new teachers.
Betty: Guess I’m talking to myself.
Panel two: Betty is looking walking over to where Pop Tate and Gaston have stationed their food as she is surprised not to see Jughead. The group that chased after Reggie are getting a burger from Pop Tate as Gaston is motioning with his arms for some of the kids to come over to his table, but they do not see him. Reggie is standing off from the others, dripping wet, as he glares and grinds his teeth at Sayid who is offering him a glass of water.
Betty: Jughead not eating?
Betty: What motivation could be so great that it trumps Jughead’s insatiable hunger?
Panel three: Cut to Trula Twyst using a cellphone to record Midge as she is being splashed by Adam who uneasily looks at Moose who is cracking his knuckles and has a stern expression on his face.. Jughead is tapping Trula across the shoulder to get her attention with his left hand while his right hand has a bucket of water filled to the brink with ice and very little water
Jughead: Trula, you ever wonder what it feels like to be challenged to be part of something greater than yourself?
Jughead: You’re about to find out.
Panel four: Trula puts her cellphone up as she turns her back to Jughead and spreads out her arms and lowers her head. Jughead is letting ice cubes fall out of his hands and into the bucket as he is relishing ever second of this. Adam is running off as Moose looks on mushy eyed as Midge uses his shirt to dry off with. Raj is filming everything as he kneels down to get a better camera angle.
Trula: Fine. Have your fun.
Jughead: I’m living a moment I’m going to download a gazillion times on YouView!
Panel five: Trula is splashed across the back by Jughead as the bucket is mainly ice cubes. Trula’s teeth start to chatter and she begins to shake all over as she manages to keep her arms spread out.
Panel six: Trula turns to Jughead as she is wringing out her hair and smiles as she takes it in stride while she motions at the pile of ice cubes at her feet, Jughead sticks his tongue out at Trula as he replies.
Trula: My, my, I’m surprised you managed to fit in those drops of water in your bucket of ice!
Jughead: It’s a hot day and ice melts.
Panel one: Jughead is sitting at the counter of Pop Tate’s as a burger is in a plate is right in front of him as he begins to salivate. In the background a teenager is about to walk into the shoppe and is about to slap a high five with a friend inside.
Jughead: Burger on the plate. Empty stomach. We’re going to switch that in just one second!
Panel two: Jughead is beginning to reach for the burger as he is still focused entirely on eating the burger. In the background the two friends have hardly moved at all as they are still several inches from slapping high five. Pretty much Jughead sans his right arm is the only person or thing moving normally through the page.
Panel three: Jughead hand has only moved slightly down as he begins to notice how slow he’s moving for some reason as he looks down at the burger. In the background the two friends have only moved another inch.
Jughead: Okay. Make that a minute.
Panel four: Jughead looks at his other hand and wiggles his fingers as is irritated at how long it is taking for his other hand to reach the burger. The friends in the background are an inch closer and needing only two more inches before their hands make contact.
Jughead: You seem to be working fine.
Panel five: Jughead is using his other hand to try and push his right hand towards the burger faster, but he only still has moved slightly. In the background the two friends are just an inch from slapping high five.
Panel six: Jughead scratches his head in confusion as he raises an eyebrow and examines his right hand as it is only a tad closer to the burger. In the background, the friends finally high five each other.
Jughead: I could have sworn Pop Tate served fast food.
Panel one: Jughead’s hand is finally on the burger as he exclaims in joy.
Jughead: There we go! Half the battle!
Panel two: Jughead’s hand barely raises the burger off the plate as Jughead is grimacing as he is trying to move faster.
Jughead: You’ve gotta be kidding me!
Panel three: Jughead is perspiring as he is trying to move his right arm faster but to no avail. Jughead has his feet on the edge of the counter as he is trying to pull back his right arm.
Panel four: Jughead tilts his head back and screams in frustration as he still hasn’t raised the burger hardly off the plate.
Panel five: Jughead has a light bulb over his head as his eyes light up. His right hand has only still barely moved.
Panel six: Jughead begins to lower his head at the burger.
Jughead: Fine. I’ll just meet it half way!
Panel seven: Jughead’s head barely lowers to match the speed of his right hand.
Panel eight: Jughead’s head barely lowers still and everything still is moving at a slow pace.
Panel nine: Jughead looks towards the reader as his head barely lowers and his right hand still is only moving ever so slightly.
Jughead: I hope this burger doesn’t get too moldy by the time I take a bite!
Panel one: Jughead has the burger half way to his mouth as he looks behind him to see Betty and Veronica having a conversation.
Veronica: So he said that?
Betty: He said that.
Veronica: His words?
Betty: He said that.
Panel two: Jughead continues to look on as Betty and Veronica stop and continue their conversation that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. Jughead’s burger is getting a bit closer to his face cheeks as Jughead has seemingly forgotten about it.
Betty: I know. Wow.
Veronica: His Words?
Betty: Syllables and all.
Panel three: Jughead is becoming more irritated as Betty and Veronica are beginning to annoy him. The burger is only a few inches from Jughead’s face cheek.
Veronica: Syllables put together to make words?
Veronica: You sure?
Betty: I’m sure.
Panel three: Betty and Veronica continue to talk as Jughead rolls his eyes. The burger is only two inches from Jughead’s face cheek.
Veronica: I can’t wait.
Betty: Me neither.
Veronica: You can’t wait?
Betty: Can you?
Veronica: I can’t either.
Panel four: Jughead turns to yell at Betty and Veronica as they both turn in surprise at Jughead. The burger is only one inch from Jughead’s face cheek as he still does not notice.
Jughead: What is wrong with you? The sun sizzle your brains!?
Jughead: Why are you talking like that? No normal person would ever talk like that!!
Panel five: Betty and Veronica wave Jughead off as they walk off panel. Jughead is taken by surprise as the burger is up against his face cheek.
Betty: Definitely whatever.
Panel six: Betty and Veronica are off-panel as Jughead rolls his eyes towards the burger.
Jughead: Oh. You finally decided to show up.
Panel one: Jughead is letting go of the burger as it begins to drop back to the counter.
Jughead: I hate not to eat food this close to my mouth but I need to check something.
Panel two: Jughead watches as the burger has barely moved an inch as it falls back to the counter. Jughead has stretched his arms out away from the burger as he prepares to let it fall and show normal movement.
Panel three: Jughead tilts his head to the right as the burger only moves an inch closer to the counter. Jughead is rubbing his hands together to show that they are moving regularly.
Panel four: Jughead is twiddling his finger and whistling as he continues to wait patiently for the burger to drop to the counter, but it still has only moved an inch closer.
Panel six: Jughead is elbow dropping the burger with all his might, but it only moves an inch.
Panel seven: The burger is only three inches from the counter as Jughead lowers his head and tilts it sideways as he sticks his nose where the burger should land.
Panel eight: Jughead is writing on a piece of paper as sticks his tongue out to his left cheek and is focused on his writing as the burger is two inches from landing on the counter.
Jughead …And in conclusion to this five page essay, I hope to have proven how Global Warming, reality TV, and Reggie’s ego have affected gravity….
Panel nine: Jughead is fast asleep, his upper body tilted back as he looks dangerously close to falling backwards as the burger finally hits the table.
Panel one: Jughead is leaving the Chocklit Shoppe as he sadly pats his stomach as he is going to have to forget about eating. A thoughtballoon coming from Jughead’s stomach has the word ANGRY in bold, red letters.
Jughead: Sorry, boy. But if we eat that burger, we’re going to miss every other meal this week!
Panel two: Jughead has his right index finger on his nose as he tilts his head back to think.
Jughead: Either someone on a higher plane than us mere mortals needs to put a new battery in his clock…
Panel three: Jughead begins to walk down the sidewalk as puts his hands in his pockets and begins to walk away from the Chocklit Shoppe.
Jugehead: ….Or our resident super brain Dilton Doiley has been mad scientisting again.
Panel four: A shot of Jughead’s right foot as it is about to take a step.
Panel five: A shot of Jughead’s right foot as it is half way to the ground.
Panel six: Jughead’s right foot hits the ground as he prepares to take a step.
Panel seven: Jughead sighs as he looks around and realizes he has not made any traction and is only beginning to walk as he looks out in the expanding streets of Riverdale to show he has a long way to go.
Jughead: This could take awhile.
Panel one: Jughead is casually walking along the sidewalk as Archie is in mid fall after tripping over his untied shoelaces. Right next to him is Reggie pointing and laughing. In the background are two stores the first store is Pam’s Pillow Parlor and the other is Mark’s Marker Market.
Panel two: Jughead stops as he analyzes the situation as he puts his hand over his mouth and examines Archie and Reggie. Archie has only moved maybe an inch as he falls and Reggie’s laugh pose remains unchanged.
Panel three: Jughead looks behind him at Pam’s Pillow Parlor and Mark’s Marker Market as he tilts his head to his left. Archie has only moved an inch more as he is only a few inches from the ground.
Panel four: Jughead begins to walk out of the foreground and into the background towards the two stores as Archie is almost about to hit the ground as Reggie continues to laugh as time still has slowed down fort them
Panel five: Jughead whistles innocently along as he tosses a black marker back and forth in his hands as Reggie now has his laughing face marked all over and Archie is only an inch from landing on six pillows placed to keep him from harm. Both Reggie and Archie are still reacting like nothing Jughead has done has happened.
Panel one: A shot from over the shoulder of a silhouette of a teenage girl talking on a cell phone, peeking from behind a building as she is watching Jughead simultaneously bend down, walk, stuffing small candy wrappers into his pocket with one hand, and using the other to eat bits of small snack sized wrapped candy left as a trail on the sidewalk as various people look on awkwardly as Jughead continues onward without hesitation. A cat and a dog both turn their heads in confusion as they are puzzled by Jughead. On the wall where the girl is spying on Jugheadt is a poster showing Samm wearing doctor gear with the headline: SAMMCARE because Samm Cares!
Teenage Girl: Greta to Mother Goose, Greta to Mother Goose. Hansel is following the trail to the gingerbread house. ETA one minute.
Panel two: Jughead continues to bend down and scoop up candy to eat as he is now getting off the sidewalk and leading to the parking lot the closed Pickens movie theater as he does not notice several teenage girls peeking from behind fences, inside garbage cans, and even a storm drain as he continues on his merry way. Jughead’s right pocket is stuffed with candy wrappers. On the pavement, children are drawing Super Duck in chalk as one kid models for the other two.
Jughead: Sans Willy Wonka obviously having a hole in his pocket, I can’t help but feel that something isn’t right.
Jughead: Like an evil presence is lurking about…
Panel three: Jughead is going inside of the theater’s open doors as he continues to follow the trail of candy like a blood hound not noticing a teenage girl peeking from the ticket booth. Next to the ticket booth are two posters. One poster is showing The Shield holding up three fingers as he stands over a defeated villain with the headline: SHIELD THREE: YIELD TO THE SHIELD and another poster has Cosmo, a fairy tale princess, a cowboy, and a luchadore in COSMO THE MERRY MARTAIN’S HAPPY FUN ADVENTURE. A sign on the theater shows the title of the story as PICKENS THEATER PRESENTS: THE TRIAL OF JUGHEAD JONES with several of the black letters tilted and about to fall off the sign.
Jughead: Eh, what’s the worse that can happen?
Jughead is inside of the lobby with the only light coming from the open theater doors as he salivates at a small pile of snack sized candy that ends the trail of munch he has been following.
Jughead: Alright! Free candy and I don’t have to walk anymore!
Panel two: Jughead has a double mouth full of the candy in his mouth, with his cheeks puffed up and his mouth covered in chocolate, as he notices several stretching shadows overlapping him coming from just behind him.
Jughead: erp. Ulrrp.
Jughead: Those are ominous shadows. Ominous shadows are never good for the hero of the story.
Panel two: Jughead turns to see five members of the U.G.A.J. walking into the movie theater behind him as he uses his shirt sleeve to wipe his mouth as turns his body to prepare to run for his life. One is the girl spying on him from the first page the rest are from outside spying with traces of their hiding places still on them.
Jughead: Yikes! It’s that annoying coven! The U.G.A.J.!
Caption: United Girls Against Jughead for all you fans of acronyms.
Panel three: Jughead turns and prepares to run as he is stopped in midstep as four more members of the U.G.A.J. are right in front of him, two of the females are holding rope and the tallest is cracking her knuckles as she gives Jughead the evil eye. Another has a chair with wheels prepared to place Jughead in.
Jughead: I have this sinking feeling that I might have fallen into a trap.
Tallest U.G.A.J/Diana.: Kersplat.
Panel four: Jughead is backing off as the U.G.A.J. members surround him as Jughead has his palms thrust forward as he feigns a smile and tries to calm the situation down. The two members of the U.G.A.J. begin stretching to their rope out as they prepare to tie Jughead up while the one with the chair is slapping the seat to show where Jughead will be going in a few seconds.
Jughead: Okay, okay, I want you all to take a deep breath, think about your favorite boy band and calm down to where you’re only as crazy as the typical teenage girl!
Panel five: In a smoke cloud the U.G.A.J. pounce on Jughead as they attempted to subdue him. We can see various Jugheads trying to escape but being pulled back into the smoke cloud, a U.G.A.J. member twirling the rope like a lasso, a teddy bear, a club sandwich, and a comic book being flung from the smoke cloud and one member of the U.G.A.J. sticking her head out and looking confused as she notices she has Jughead’s hat on somehow during the skirmish.
OW! NOT THERE!
TIE HIM UP!
Panel one: Jughead is tied up and wheeled into one the movie theater rooms. Sitting on one side is twelve U.G.A.J. members (the jury) as they give death glares at Jughead. On the other side twenty members sit as they hold up various anti-Jughead signs. In front of Jughead is a table and to his side is another table only with a U.G.A.J member wearing a suit, skirt, glasses, blond hair, and cold, harsh blue eyes as she looks at Jughead with utter disdain (Her name is Cynthia). At her table are five extremely filled to the brink of exploding folders each labeled Evidence A-G, H-M, O-P, Q-U, and V-#2,231. In front of the two tables is a podium for a judge with a pink My Puny Pony gravel. Next to the podium is a makeshift stand with a chair place for the witnesses. Jughead is thrashing about in the chair as he tries to escape as Diana struggles to push him along. A U.G.A.J. member is walking on panel as she is putting on a police hat and unfolding a long list. Behind the courtroom set up is a movie screen that, save for a few tears, is still in working condition.
Jughead: You do know there are laws against this sort of thing, right?
Diana: Shut up. We’re the judge, jury, and executioners, spout nose.
Panel two: Jughead twists his head in confusion as he looks back at Diana A U.G.A.J. member with brown hair and wearing a judge robe is walking up to Jughead along with the one dressed as a bailiff with her list completely unfolded as she stands by the judge.
Jughead: What are you talking about?
Judge: Please read the defendant his crimes, bailiff.
Panel three: The Bailiff reads Jughead his crimes as Jughead glares at them in disgust.
U.G.A.J. bailiff: You, Forsythe Pendleton Jones the 3rd-best known as Jughead-- are charged with being a brute, being rude to all females, never opening the door for a lady, constantly being a bad example to all of our boyfriends, never dating, never saying nice things about our hair, eating with your mouth open in our prescence, and once using a fashion magazine to swat a fly.
Judge: How do you plead?
Jughead: Something like this:
Panel four: Jughead is thrashing in his chair as two members of the U.G.A.J. hold his arms and chest and two hold his thrashing legs as he tilts his head and screams at the top of his lungs. Diana is drawing her hand back, reading to smack Jughead across the back of his head. The prosecuting U.G.A.J. member (Cynthia) shakes her head at Jughead’s display with abhorrence as she looks over her notes.
Jughead: PLEASE HELP! PLEASE HELP! THESE LUNATIC GIRLS HAVE KIDNAPPED ME! CALL THE POLICE!! CALL MY MOM!! CALL JACK BAUER!!
Panel one: Diana slaps Jughead across the back of his head to calm him down. Jughead’s eyes bulge and his hat nearly flies off his head and a thought balloon showing a calendar with a day marked as his father’s birthday is cracked in two to show that she hit him so hard Jughead can’t remember his dad’s birthday.
Panel two: Jughead winces as he smart mouths at Diana as several U.G.A.J. members hold Diana back from thrashing Jughead. The Judge is reaching over and banging her gavel on the podium to regain order in the court. Jughead is turning his head to his left and right to try and adjust his hat back in the proper place.
Jughead: Ow! You nasty amazon ruffian! You nearly broke my skull!
Diana: I’ll break your neck!
Judge: That’s enough! All of you!
Panel three: Jughead is nonchalantly looking at the Judge as she stands beside the podium with the bailiff to her side, whom is enjoying her new hat as she shows it off to the U.G.A.J. jury.
Jughead: Okay, back to reality, strange as it is, what exactly are you me-man woman haters hope to accomplish with this?
Panel four: The Judge points the gavel at Jughead as Jughead sinks into the chair as far back as he goes.
Judge: You were read your charges. You’re on trial for your crimes against the female gender.
Jughead: Um, hate to ask, but when your kangaroo court hops on the guilty verdict…?
Panel five: The Judge motions to the theater screen as a romantic comedy begins to play on the big screen. Jughead is in revulsion at the thought of having to put up with the U.G.A.J.
The Judge: You’ll go on a date with each and every member of the U.G.A.J. organization one after the other, where you will watch our favorite movies and listen to us as we tell you about our day and gossip, and--
Jughead: A fate worse than death.
Panel one: Cynthia glares over at Jughead as he motions for Diana to untie him so that he can defend himself. Diana’s only response is to fold her arms across her chest and sneer at Jughead. The Judge waves Jughead’s demand off.
Jughead: Fine. If I gotta go through with this farce, at least untie me so I can play along.
Judge: Your defense would be trying to run away!
Panel two: Jughead shrugs his shoulders as he doesn’t argue. All the U.G.A.J. members smile wickedly as the Judge and bailiff smirk at each other.
Judge: This court has appointed your defense.
Panel three: A shot over Jughead’s shoulder as he begins to turn to the female silhouette walking up to him carrying two books and folders underneath her right arm.
Female silhouette: My, my, the long arm of the law with its fashionable star and sparkle fingernails finally caught up to you, Juggers?
Panel four: Jughead turns his head as he is absolutely horrified to find that his defense attorney is Trula Twyst who smiles at Jughead as she finds his predicament amusing. In the background all the U.G.A.J. members are chuckling to themselves
Jughead: TRULA TWYST!?
Jughead: My archenemy! The bane of my existence! My most vile nemesis! Scourge! Fiend!
Panel five: Trula is setting her books (one titled Knowing the Jury and the other Courtroom psychology) and folders on the table as she calmly organizes as Jughead is suddenly equally as calm as he mildly states his dislike of defense attorney. The Bailiff shrugs her shoulders in a “well, what can you do” motion. The Judge is at the podium and preparing to begin court as she strikes the podium with her gavel.
Jughead: What I’m trying to say is I don’t believe this is all that fair.
Judge: Sorry, but Life vs. Fairness isn’t on the docket.
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