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  • Tuxedo Mark: My review of "Seal it with a Kiss" from Cheryl Blossom #34: [link]
    April 05, 2020, 08:30:30 pm
  • Tuxedo Mark: My review of "Are You Like a Millionaire?" from Cheryl Blossom #34: [link]
    April 05, 2020, 11:17:39 am
  • Tuxedo Mark: Stories #1-4 in my Vampire Killer original serial are free through April 1 on Amazon: [link] [link] [link] [link]
    March 28, 2020, 04:40:08 pm
  • DeCarlo Rules: I realize digital readers may not give a fug about comic shops, but... Well, just try to be patient a *little* while longer. All your hopes and dreams have never been closer to reality than they are right now.
    March 26, 2020, 03:22:43 am
  • DeCarlo Rules: There is a same day/same date digital/print release schedule agreement between publishers and Diamond Comics.
    March 26, 2020, 02:55:20 am
  • Tuxedo Mark: Red Sonja and Vampirella Meet Betty and Veronica #11 has been delayed from April 22 to May 27 (presumably due to the Diamond thing regarding coronavirus). But why not make the digital edition available on the originally scheduled release date, so people will have something to read?
    March 25, 2020, 07:12:27 pm
  • Tuxedo Mark: My review of "Stuck With You" from Cheryl Blossom: Summertime Fun #3 (1995): [link]
    March 22, 2020, 02:38:32 pm
  • Tuxedo Mark: My review of "Beach Blanket Blossom" from Cheryl Blossom: Summertime Fun #3 (1995): [link]
    March 19, 2020, 10:20:58 pm
  • Tuxedo Mark: My review of "By the Book!" from Betty and Veronica Jumbo Comics Digest #281: [link]
    March 12, 2020, 10:18:03 pm
  • Tuxedo Mark: Story #05 of my Blackjack Jill series is now free on Amazon: [link]
    February 25, 2020, 07:29:40 pm
  • Tuxedo Mark: My review of "Tough Turf" from Cheryl Blossom: Summertime Fun #2 (1995): [link]
    February 24, 2020, 09:28:47 pm
  • DeCarlo Rules: HERE-WE-GO-AGAIN TIME:  Sabrina the Teenage Witch Complete Collection v2 TP (solicited in January with a shipping date of 3/18/2020) is now CANCELLED. I thought this kind of stuff was over with by now...
    February 19, 2020, 06:49:11 am
  • Tuxedo Mark: Story #03 of my Blackjack Jill original series is now free on Amazon: [link]
    February 12, 2020, 11:03:22 am
  • Tuxedo Mark: My review of "Distress Over a Dress" from Veronica #179: [link]
    February 10, 2020, 08:02:05 pm
  • Tuxedo Mark: Definitely more of a light-hearted comedy.
    February 07, 2020, 11:30:30 am
  • Tuxedo Mark: I loved the first episode of Katy Keene! :)
    February 07, 2020, 11:30:10 am
  • Tuxedo Mark: My review of "Whose Beach is It, Anyway?" from Archie's Summer Splash! (the FCBD 2010 issue): [link]
    January 31, 2020, 10:39:40 pm
  • Tuxedo Mark: My review of "The Dating Analysis" from Archie Double Digest #306: [link]
    January 26, 2020, 05:20:43 pm
  • Gotapenname: I lent my dad all most  Archie the Married life 10th aniversary series and the experince so far has been more fun than reading comic. I guess really is bettter to give than recive.:)
    January 24, 2020, 04:11:42 pm
  • DeCarlo Rules: I suspected it was coming when I didn't see ARCHIE AND ME listed in the titles for the subscription ad appearing in the digests...
    January 24, 2020, 03:17:40 pm

Jughead in Everybody's a Critic

Started by PTF, July 05, 2016, 04:21:44 pm

Previous topic - Next topic


 Panel one: Mrs. Jones is walking into the living room holding up a cordless phone as Jughead, Mr. Jones, and Hot Dog are both sitting upright on the sofa as they are watching TV. Jughead and Hot Dog are sharing a bowl of chips as both their mouths are covered in crumbs. Mr. Jones reacts harshly to the news of the phone call as he slouches and crosses his arms in the sofa. On the TV is a Mega Man cartoon. Jellybean is on the ground with her mouth open as she points inside of it.

Mrs. Jones: Hon, it's Rob Hamhock again!

Mr. Jones: Bah! When will that bloated blimp stop blowing his hot air in my direction!? Tell him, if I didn't take his call the last five days, not to waste the rest of the week!!

Panel two: Mrs. Jones walks away as she talks on the phone. Mr. Jones looks over at Jughead as Jughead turns his head inquisitively to his father. Hot Dog flips a chip into Jellybean's open mouth.

Mrs. Jones: Yeas, now's not a good time--

Jughead: Pops, who's this Rob Hamhock who's got your spit polish boiling over the last few days?

Panel three: Mr. Jones turns to Jughead as he seems perplexed that Jughead doesn't now who Rob Hamhock is. Jughead turns back to the TV as has stopped paying attention to his father. Jellybean is reaching up for the bowl of chips as Hot Dog notices at the last second. On the TV screen is Mega Man fighting Cut Man.

Mr. Jones: Son, I know I've told you about Rob Hamhock t million times over. How can you not--?

Jughead: Yep. Uh-huh. Fascinating. I didn't know that. What's that? Super. Glad to know...

Page 2

Panel one: Mr. Jones grabs Jughead by his shirt collar and pulls him up as he begins to walk away from the couch with a reluctant Jughead in tow. Hot Dog and Jellybean are having a tug of war for the bowl of chips and Jellybean is surprisingly winning as Hot Dog is on his hind legs and is using his left front paw to grab onto the coach for extra leverage as he continues to lose.

Mr. Jones: Come with me! I want to show you something!

Jughead: There's something on TV!  Different channels of something!

Panel two: We are in Mr. Jones' house office as he pulls up a seat at his desk and makes Jughead sit in front of a computer on his desk. On the work desk is various folders and paper piles. Also on the desk are various pictures of the Jones Family. One picture is of Baby Jughead diving his head into his birthday cake and next to it is one where Jellybean dives her head into her birthday cake as Jughead sheds a tear in pride from behind.

Mr. Jones: My boy, before you were born, your old man was a famous film critic!

Jughead: When was the last time someone asked you for an autograph?

Panel three: Mr. Jones turns Jughead around and begins to go on the ITube website as he clicks on a video that reads: LAST HAIR RAISING CRITIQUE.

Mr. Jones: You last week for the note Coach Kleats sent about you sleeping during a game of basketball.

Mr. Jones: Now, just watch..

Panel four: A shot of the computer screen as a younger Mr. Jones, wearing a dated suit and pants and sporting an afro is sitting next to a fat guy, with short brown and glasses, in similar bad clothing as they are on a set with various film tape and director clip boards as decorations. On a video panel is a movie title called: KONQUEST OF THE KOMBATIVE CARATE KUKUMBERS. Old Mr. Jones is smiling and pointing away to a distant location while Rob Hamhock points down on the ground to signal staying put.

Old Mr. Jones: Well, Rob, I loved this movie! It was a fun movie made for fun's sake. I point a finger to the movie theater.

Old Rob Hamhock: That's the stupidest review I've heard! This movie is stinky and anyone who doesn't like it doesn't have a soul! Stay home, viewers!

Panel five: Jughead reacts in shock as he watches the ITube video to see his dad rip his hair out as Rob jolts up and prepares to fight. Mr. Jones looks on and shakes his head and covers his eyes as he obviously regrets this moment in time.

Old Mr. Jones: You fat load!  You make me so angry; I could pull my hair out!

Old Rob Hamhock: That's fine by me! Just leave your neck alone! I'll wring that for you!!

Jughead: !!!

Page 3

Panel one: Jughead continues to watch the ITube video as Old Mr. Jones has Old Rob Hamhock in a headlock and takes him to the ground as various actors who resemble Cary Grant, Sylvester Stallone (in boxing trunks and wearing a red bandana), and Robbie the Robot rush the set to separate them.  Mr. Jones feels the top of his head as he frowns.

Jughead: So that's what happened to your hair and--

Jughead: ...Wow. Nice take down. Too bad MMA wasn't created back in the yesterdays, huh?

Mr. Jones: Sigh. I had just finished my comb collection, too...

Panel two: Jughead clicks back on the computer to see various other videos featuring the two. Mr. Jones begins to walk away as he gives the denied arm motion as he begins to walk away in disgust.

Mr. Jones: After that, I quit the critic business, while Rob went at it alone. Now, the twentieth anniversary of the show is coming and he wants me to come back on for a reunion special!

Panel three: Jughead is scrolling down as we see various video searches where we can see Mr. Jones and Rob looking very happy. Mr. Jones stops and looks back questioningly.

Jughead: Too bad. Looks like before, you guys got along really well.

Mr. Jones: Eh?

Panel four: Mr. Jones look down at the screen and smiles as we can see video clips of Mr. Jones and Rob wearing western clothing on a stage set up like a ghost town, another has the two dressed as zombies interviewing a guy who looks like George Romero. And another has the two on a Valentine set as they are both seen crying at a scene of a movie where a woman on a pier waves goodbye at her sailor boyfriend as his submarine pulls out and begins to submerge.

Jughead: See?

Mr. Jones: I guess we did have our moments.

Panel five: Jughead is leaving the room as Mr. Jones is now in the chair and watching the videos with a smile on his face as he happily begins to reminisce on happier times with his former colleague.

Jughead: Weird. I always figured when you shared so many popcorn bags and walked the same sticky carpet with a pal, your friendship could last through anything.

Mr. Jones: You'd think so...

Page 4

Panel one: Mrs. Jones is walking in the hall as Jughead leaves his father's study.

Mrs. Jones: Sigh. I wish your father could live and let live.

Jughead: I think the same thing every time I don't do a chore and he brings it up at the kitchen table.

Panel two: Mr. Jones happily sticks his head out of his studies as he startles both Mrs. Jones and Jughead.

Mr. Jones: Say, Gladys, you didn't happen to take a message from Old Robbie Boy?

Mrs. Jones: Er, no...but his number should be on the caller ID--

Panel three: Mr. Jones merrily runs past Mrs. Jones and Jughead as he races away. Mrs. Jones scratches her head in confusion as Jughead looks accusingly at his mother. Walking along in the hall is Hot Dog with the potato chip bowl on his head as Jellybean rides on his back.

Mrs. Jones: What's gotten into that man?

Jughead: You didn't tell me last about supper being ready again, did you?

Panel four: Mrs. Jones and Jughead are in the kitchen as Mr. Jones is leaning on the kitchen table with his left arm supporting him as he uses his right to hold the phone to his ear. Jughead and Mrs. Jones look at each other with the same befuddled facial expression.

Mr. Jones: ...Yeah, it has been a long time. So let's let bygones be long gone and have one last show together!

Mr. Jones: ...That's great, Robbie. See you Saturday!

Panel five: Mr. Jones rushes up to hug both Mrs. Jones and Jughead in his arms. Mrs. Jones returns the hug while Jughead doesn't react one way to the hug as he begins to ask a question.

Mr. Jones: You hear that, hon?! Back one time only at the old show!

Mrs. Jones: That's great, dear!

Jughead: Wait, mom, you haven't even started cooking?

Page 5

Panel one: Mr. Jones takes a few steps back and opens his eyes wider with the index and thumb of each respective hand to show that he still has great eyesight and inducement into movie critiquing. Jughead seems unimpressed while Mrs. Jones is trying to not laugh at her husband as she puts her right hand over her mouth.

Mr. Jones: It's been a few years, but these eyes can pick out the greatness and flaws of a movie and tell the listeners what's what.

Jughead: I do that with Archie all the time...

Panel two: Jughead shrugs his shoulders as Mr. Jones stares at Jughead with a hint of anger as he scowls slightly at Jughead for making light of Mr. Jones' good news. Mrs. Jones rolls her eyes at Jughead.

Jughead: ...But when I tell him a movie is bad and we should leave, Ronnie  yells at me to shut up and stop ruining her dates with Archie.

Jughead: Dames.

Panel three: Mr. Jones talks with Jughead as Jughead tilts his head in confusion.

Mr. Jones: What do you say, son? Want to go to the Riverdale Public Broadcasting and watch your old man at his old job?

Jughead: Sure, but one question: What's your current job?

Panel four: Mr. Jones crosses his arms across his chest and squints an eye at Jughead as Jughead shrugs his shoulders in a hollow way.

Mr. Jones: Do I have to talk to you during commercial breaks for you to actually listen to me?

Jughead: It'd help, but if those talking candy pieces are on, you have no hope.

Panel five: Mr. Jones is rushing out the kitchen door as Jughead puts his hands in his pockets and begins to walk behind. Mrs. Jones smiles in amusement.

Mr. Jones: C'mon, Jughead! Your old man has get the kinks out of the ol' eyeballs--TO THE MOVIE THEATER!!!

Jughead: The distance I'll travel to bum popcorn and mooch candy treats and not have to pay for my own movie ticket...

Page 6

Panel one: A shot of the Mr. Jones and Jughead in the middle of the movie theater as they watch the movie with a crowd of people around them. Everyone in the movie theater has 3D glasses on. One guy in the front row has his arms wrapped another woman as, unnoticed by him, his girlfriend is glaring down at him from the aisle. Mr. Jones is playing with his 3D glasses as Jughead has a soda and is taking a sip from his straw. An elderly gentleman behind Jughead has 3D binoculars and is peering over Jughead's left shoulder.

Mr. Jones: Hey, the more things change...

Mr. Jones: I remember when I used to watch movies in 3D with your mom on dates.

Panel two: Mr. Jones suddenly jumps back in his chair as something startles him as Jughead and everyone else in the theater remains unaffected and casual about the situation. The old man with binoculars looks over his left shoulder as if he could still see the image of the plane flying away.  The boyfriend has been pummeled by the girlfriend and is slumped and bruised over in his seat. The woman he was seeing on the side looks away and whistles innocently like she was an innocent bystander.


Jughead: The plane is flying over us. The tanks are coming right at us.

Panel three: Mr. Jones and Jughead are watching another movie with a different crowd of people as red, yellow, and orange flashes glare across the movie theater as Mr. Jones shields his eyes from the intense light. Jughead is casually eating popcorn. Numerous viewers are standing up and applauding the explosions like it was classical theater. Several other movie watchers have ear plugs and sunglasses on as the explosions boom and flash.


Mr. Jones: This movie has been nothing but explosions for forty minutes!!

Jughead: Just forty? Mathew Harbor must be trying to tell a story with this flick.

Panel four: Mr. Jones and Jughead are in a different theater and the audience around them is now mostly children, their parents, and a few grandparents who seem confused by the movie as their grandkids jump up and down in their chairs in excitement. The kids have various balloons let lose in the theater, party streamers spreading every where, party poppers spreading confetti in the air. And in the aisle is a sad usher with a broom who knows he's in for a long night's work. Several kids nearly topple the usher off his feet as the run like a savage herd as their parents try to round them up.

Mr. Jones: Back in my day we had real animation! Hand drawn! It was an art!

Jughead: If you like stellar animation, check out The Hub channel when Sabrina the Teenage Witch debuts!

Caption: Expect Jughead to say nice things until we give him his book series back--editor

Panel five: Mr. Jones and Jughead are standing up out of their seats and defending themselves against unhappy horror fans dressed in various monster costumes that do not approve of what the Jones men are saying. Jughead is pushing back against a midget dressed as Chucky who is trying to stab him with a straw. Behind the Jones clan is a group of teens just like the Puppet Master puppets (Blade, Jester, Pinhead, and Six-Shooter) In front of them are Riverdale Hockey team who seem to be rooting on their fellow hockey mask wearing monster; they even have a banner reading: GO JAYSON GO. Sleeping in his chair next to Mr. Jones is a guy dressed like Freddy Kreuger with his hat over his eyes and his feet propped up on the chair in front of him. The rest of the angry mob is dressed like vampires, zombies, and werewolves.

Mr. Jones: --Look! Horror movies have rules! Having the bad guy win at the end for no reason is not a twist or a great ending!!


Jughead: Hey! You listen to what the man is preaching!!

Page 7

Panel one: Jughead and Mr. Jones are on the set of the Rob Hamhock Movies You View set as Mr. Jones shakes hands with Rob. Mr. Jones is wearing a blue button suit and jeans and Rob is dressed casual with a Hawaiian style shirt and wearing brown khakis and dress shoes. He still wears the same glasses from his longer days and his hair has turned white. The set is blue and black with a purple background and two old fashion director chairs on the middle of the set. A small table is placed in between the chairs showcasing popcorn, a soda, and milk duds. A small flat screen is hanging over head. Several crew workers are taping down wires while one seems to have gotten tangled up and is wrapped like a mummy. A camera man is getting set up for the show as he sets up a stand for the camera while his son has his cellphone out to record the show. Jughead notices a old woman knitting a sweater, an African American male with a rainbow over his head as he reads, and a Blue Dinosaur walking together as they head to their sets.

Caption: Saturday at Public Broadcasting Station RPBS

Mr. Jones: It's good to see you again, Rob.

Rob: Likewise, Forsythe. It was so silly to ruin a friendship and viewership over one movie.

Panel two: Mr. Jones motions towards Jughead who notices a stage hand pushing along a cart with nearly a dozen different cakes. On the cart is a sign reading: CAKE MONSTER CAKE TREATS: DO NOT EAT.

Mr. Jones: And this is my son, Jughead.

Rob: Nice to meet you, son.

Jughead: Charmed. Say...I think I'll go stretch my legs a bit before you guys start.

Panel three: Rob and Mr. Jones look on as Jughead chases after the cake cart with his tongue hanging out like a dog sticking his head out a window.

Rob: Quite the son you've got there, Jones.

Mr. Jones: Yeah, I'm not sure what all is there, but most of it is good.

Panel four: Mr. Jones and Rob take their seats as a producer begins to count down the show start time with his hand. A blank flat screen turns on to read: MOVIES YOU VIEW on it.

Mr. Jones: I've missed doing this, dear friend.

Rob: Yeah, the show hasn't been the same without you ,old pal.

Panel five: The show starts as Rob motions over to Mr. Jones who has a nervous smile and weakly raises his hand to signal hello to the camera.

Rob: This is Rob Hamhock and on Movies You View, I have a special guest. My original partner on this long running movie critique series.

Rob: Long time viewers, I'm sure you remember Forsythe Jones.

Mr. Jones: If we haven't outlived them all, Rob.

Page 8

Panel one: Mr. Jones and Rob relax as they both seem comfortable and at peace like two weary travelers finally coming home after a long time apart. The flat screen shows the title CLASSIC REVIEW: KONQUEST OF THE KOMBATIVE KARATE KUKUMBERS

Rob: Ha Ha. Right you are.

Rob: And now, to begin the show, we'll review a classic movie being re-released you and I both remember well...

Mr. Jones: Right you are, Rob.


Panel three: Rob and Mr. Jones look over at each other and nod.

Rob and Mr. Jones: And we can both say that after all this time....

Mr. Jones: Go see this re-release!

Rob: Still stay home!

Panel four: Mr. Jones and Rob realize that they are both still not on the same page as both show hints of frustration.

Panel five: Mr. Jones and Rob are both darted to their feet and are bumping chests as they look like they are ready to fight. The director becomes frantic as he waves his arms meaninglessly for the two to stop.

Rob: Are you crazy! This movie is horrible! Just look at the title! I know you don't have any hair, but you didn't yank your brain out!

Mr. Jones: The title is clever! The acting is fun! The story makes fun of itself! It's a laugh a minute! You could see that if you weren't still the same pompous, bloated twit after all these years!

Page 9

Panel one: Jughead is wheeling back the near empty cake cart as he is munching on a piece of German Chocolate cake as he watches the melee on the set as Mr. Jones placed Rob in an arm bar and various staff viewers try to pull Mr. Jones off of him.

Jughead: So before the Val the Vampire and Warren the Wolfman factions on Midlight, there was this.

Panel two: Jughead looks on sadly as Mr. Jones and Rob are being held apart by various staff members as the two middle age men look like they want to tear into each other like lions.

Jughead: Poor dad. He was really looking forward to this. I don't know what could make this worse for us Jones males.

Panel three: Jughead is suddenly pounced on from behind by a purple, bulging rectangular eye monster as Jughead is propelled forward into camera view.


Jughead: YIKES!!

Panel four: Mrs. Jones, Jellybean, and Hotdog are all sitting on the couch as they watch the show on their TV and each have blank expressions at what is happening. Mrs. Jones has the remote control to the TV on the couch arm rest on her right.





Panel five: Mrs. Jones has the remote in her hand as she changes channels to the approval of both Jellybean and Hot Dog.

Mrs. Jones: Let's watch something more educational...like professional wrestling.

Page 10

Panel one: A shot of Mr. Jones and Jughead driving home. Mr. Jones is driving the car as he has his right hand bandage from where he hurt it hitting Rob. Jughead has his head bandaged from where he was attacked by the Cake Monster. Both act somber as they travel along.

Jughead: How's your hand?

Mr. Jones: Hurts, but at least it gave the loudmouth a fat lip...it'll heal up.

Panel two: Mr. Jones turns to Jughead as Jughead feels his nose with his left hand and his right ear with his right hand.

Mr. Jones: How's your head?

Jughead: Long nose, two big ears, never was much to look at before monster snack time...I'll live.

Panel three: Mr. Jones goes back to focusing on driving sadly as Jughead looks out his window and notices something that gives him an idea.

Panel four: Jughead turns to his dad as his dad begins to light up in joy.

Jughead: Hey, want to kill time and watch one of the greatest movies ever made?

Panel five: The Jones car begins to pull into a movie theater that has a sign reading: RIVERDALE MOVIE PLEX:  1. KONQUEST OF THE KOMBATIVE
CARATE KUKUMBERS. 2. NEW CRUSADERS: THE EVEN NEWER ADVENTURES The movie theater parking lot seems to be packed as various cars pull in and more people are lining up to go into the theater and get their ticket.

Mr. Jones in the car: You're a great son.

Jughead in the car: Helps that I inherited good taste in movies.


The Archie character names and likenesses are covered by the registered trademarks/copyrights of Archie Comic Publications, Inc. and are used with permission by this site. The Official Archie Comics website can be visited at www.archiecomics.com.