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  • Tuxedo Mark: My review of "'Ti$ the Sea$on" from Cheryl Blossom, No. 9: [link]
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    November 04, 2018, 03:21:35 am
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  • DeCarlo Rules: On a relatated note, the real FIRST Vampironica appeared in Larry Welz' underground comic Cherry Poptart #1 [link]. That can be had right now, CGCed at 9.4, at the Buy-It-Now price of $280 on ebay. Although the book had several subsequent printings, only the first printing ($2 cover price) contains the Vampironica story. Much, much scarcer than B&V #261 & 262, but then far fewer people seem to be aware of its existence. It may not be the same Vampironica as the one that appears in her own comic book from ACP, but then you can easily make the argument that neither is the Vampironica from B&V 261-262.
    November 04, 2018, 01:15:09 am
  • rusty: Crazy.  I obviously missed that back then.
    November 03, 2018, 10:06:11 pm
  • DeCarlo Rules: Yes, I mentioned this a while back somewhere around the time Vampironica #1 was first solicted or shipped. I even mentioned it to Dan Parent and told him if he still had copies he should get them CGC'ed.
    November 03, 2018, 04:33:03 pm
  • rusty: Apparently Betty and Veronica #261 and 262 (1987 series) are popular now due to Vampironica.  Somebody actually purchased a copy of #261 for $299 on ebay recently.
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    November 01, 2018, 10:17:35 pm
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    November 01, 2018, 09:05:48 pm


Author Topic: Archie & Me in The Clutz Catastrophe  (Read 181 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

PTF

Archie & Me in The Clutz Catastrophe
« on: June 03, 2018, 02:28:38 pm »
 Page 1
 
Panel one: Mr. Weatherbee is in his office with Vice Principal Drill Sergeant Howitzer at his side standing in attention as Mr. Auberjonois is slamming a stack of papers down on Mr. Weatherbee’s desk that have several dollar signs on them along with the name Archie Andrews. Mr. Auberjonois is a tall lanky middle age man with a bushy mustache and a large round nose and a bulging forehead. He has small beady eyes and his hair brown turning white. Mr. Weatherbee is trying to be patient but rolls his eyes upwards as he clearly doesn’t want to humor School Board member Mr. Auberjonois
 
Mr. Auberjonois: Weatherbee these costs! Plumbing! Reconstruction of school grounds! Damages to school property ranging from hallways, to lockers, to classroom instruments—
 
Mr. Auberjonois: --and the school board and I are supposed to believe that one student caused all of this wanton destruction?
 
Mr. Weatherbee: You have to live it to believe it, Mr. Auberjonois.
 
Panel two: Mr. Auberjonois continues to yell as he slaps the stack of papers across the room. Mr. Weatherbee looks on in surprise.
 
Mr. Auberjonois: Don’t be smug with me, Weatherbee! I know how crooks like you operate! Trying to milk the school district for money with these fraudulent claims! Blaming an innocent student!
 
Mr. Auberjonois: I’ll have your bank accounts taken in for evidence! I’ll see you thrown out of this school, you chiseller!
 
Panel three: Sgt. Howitzer becomes enraged as he begins to defend Mr. Weatherbee as Mr. Weatherbee sticks his hand out to prevent any physical altercation. Mr. Auberjonois begins to cower and back pedal.
 
Sgt. Howitzer: Sir! Commanding Officer Waldo Weatherbee is a man of incontestable honor! A man who I would gladly die for—and kill for if ordered!
 
Mr. Weatherbee: They’ll be no need for that, Sergeant Howitzer.
 
Page 2
 
Panel one: Mr. Auberjonois goes back to being smug as he regains his cool and straightens out his jacket as Mr. Weatherbee stands up from his desk.
 
Mr. Weatherbee: But I do find these unsubstantial allegations insulting.
 
Panel two: Mr. Auberjonois points at a picture of Archie clipped on a folder file on the desk.
 
Mr. Auberjonois: The proof is in the pudding! Let me shadow this Archie Andrews. If he’s as accident prone as you claim, it will substantiate your claims and vindicate you!
 
Panel three: Mr. Auberjonois has a smug smile on his face as he rubs his finger against his bushy mustache as Mr. Weatherbee and Howitzer leer at him.
 
Mr. Auberjonois: Of course, once you’re proven the fraud, you’ll be relieved of your position, resulting in much needed changes to the faculty and renovations.
 
Mr. Weatherbee: A staff fitting your approval and renovations provided by your construction company, I take it.
 
Mr. Auberjonois: Just doing what I can for the children.
 
Panel four: Mr. Weatherbee and Howitzer are bending down picking up the pages Mr. Auberjonois knocked down as he strides out of the office as he has his nose stuck up high in the air.
 
Mr. Weatherbee: Well, I suppose, if you insist…
 
Mr. Auberjonois: I do insist!
 
Panel five: Mr. Weatherbee and Howitzer casually talk with one another as they collect all the scattered paper.
 
SFX: SLAM
 
Howitzer: Sir, should I accompany Mr. Auberjonois to the danger zone, sir?
 
Mr. Weatherbee: No. I would hate for someone worthwhile to be caught in the line of fire.
 
Howitzer: Thank you, sir!
 
 
 
Page 3
 
Panel one: Archie is at his locker as he is having trouble opening it. In the background, Mr. Auberjonois is walking towards Archie as he is bumped into by Chunk.
 
Auberjonois thinking: So many miscreants. Now where is--
 
Archie: Darn locker! Always gets stuck!
 
Auberjonois thinking: That’s Archie Andrews.
 
Panel two: Archie is continuing to try and get his locker open as he is using both arms and one foot pressed against another locker to gain better leverage as Mr. Auberjonois is about right next to him, in direct path of where the locker door would go.
 
Auberjonois thinking: Hm. He’s obviously a dullard, easy to see why Weatherbee would take advantage of this poor, unfortunate—
 
Panel three: Archie uses all his strength to open the locker as the door swings back and rams into Mr. Auberjonois, causing a deep face indention into the locker.
 
Archie: GOT IT!!
 
SFX: THWAM
 
Panel four: Archie looks on as Mr. Auberjonois falls to the ground with red and blue pain stars over his head and his eyes glazed over as he falls straight on his back with his arm and legs sticking up straight. Svenson is walking by with a small hammer as he notices the indentation Auberjonois’ face made as he prepares to hammer the locker back into form. In the background, Reggie is pointing and laughing at Mr. Auberjonois.
 
Archie: Gee, Mr. I’m sorry, mister! I didn’t know you were there!!
 
Auberjonois: …that’s okay…I like astronomy…red stars…blue stars…
 
Svenson: Yumpin’ liminey! Again vith the hammering for ol’ Svenson!
 
Page 4
 
Panel one: Archie is walking along as Mr. Auberjonois has a bandage wrapped around his head as he talks with Archie. Mr. Auberjonois is trying to hide his anger and disdain for Archie.
 
Archie: Wow! So the school board wants you to follow around a student to see how it is for us teens?
 
Auberjonois: Yes--we deeply care about you all and want to see that you get what you deserve.
 
Panel two: Veronica, Midge and Moose are walking up to Archie as Archie has small hearts over his head. Veronica is smiling and waving at Archie. Midge is right behind Veronica as she looks lovingly back at Moose.
 
Veronica: Archiekins! I just got an A on American History thanks to your tutoring. You deserve a reward!
 
Archie: A R-r-reward…?
 
Archie: Like…maybe a kiss?
 
Panel three: Veronica has her lips puckered up as Archie closes his eyes and leans in to kiss her. Walking by is Betty whose ponytail springs up in alert as she sees what is about to happen. Mr. Auberjonois looks on with disdain.
 
Veronica: Um-hmm.
 
Auberjonois: Hmph. Kissing in the hallway. They won’t be doing none of that in my ideal school!
 
Panel four: Veronica is pulled away from Archie as Archie still has his eyes closed as he does not know that he is kissing Midge who is wide-eyed with surprise. Moose looks on enraged.
 
Betty: Yoink!
 
 
SFX: SWISH
 
Midge: ?
 
 
Panel five: Archie opens his eyes to see that he is kissing Midge. Midge motions with her eyes towards where Moose’s chest is as the rest of him is off panel.
 
Archie: !!!
 
Panel six: Archie looks up even more to see Moose enraged and about pummel Archie. In the background, a angry, cross armed Veronica is glaring at Betty who shrugs her shoulders in an “oops” type manner.
 
Moose: Duh! Yer kissin’ my girl!
 
 
Page 5
 
Panel one: Archie backs away as he nearly bumps into Auberjonois who is timid and has no idea what to do to stop the altercation.
 
Archie: Wait, Moose! Wait! It was an accident! I swear!!
 
Moose: Duh, and now you’re swearing in front of my sweetie!? Now yer really gonna get it!
 
Panel two: Archie ducks as Moose hits Mr. Auberjonois with a haymaker that knocks out of the panel and leaves only his shoes and socks left in the air.
 
SFX: POW
 
Panel three: Coach Kleats and Coach Clayton are admiring the new trophy case at the end of a hallway as they admire it as all the trophies, medals, and plaques are shined up and sparkling.
 
Coach Clayton: I have to admit, this really is quite the sight!
 
Coach Kleats! It’s the greatest! This display will be here long after we’re gone, but our team and legacy will be remembered forever.
 
Panel four: Mr. Auberjonois rockets into the trophy case completely destroying it as Coach Clayton leaps on Coach Kleats to save him from shards of glass heading his way. Trophies, medals, wood, and glass spring everywhere.
 
SFX: SCRRASSH
 
Panel five: Coach Kleats is crying on Coach Clayton’s shoulder as they look at the wreckage that was the trophy display and the trophies as they all have been dented or broken and lying along the ground. In the heap of the trophy display a battered and bruised Auberjonois is barely conscious as he has a dented trophy on his head and several medals wrapped around his nose. Svenson is walking along and motions with his hands upward as he now has even more work to do.
 
Coach Kleats: Sniff Sniff
 
Coach Clayton: There, there, coach. Buck up. We still have the memories.
 
Page 6
 
Panel one: Archie is walking in his biology classroom as he holds the door open for Mr. Auberjonois whose clothes is even more torn and battered and his hair out of place. The wrapping around his head is being undone. Behind Archie near a lab table is a glass case filled with frogs. Auberjonois, with teeth gritted, glares at Archie hatefully.
 
Archie: I’m really sorry about that, sir!
 
Mr. Auberjonois: It’s all right. My spine absorbed the impact.
 
Panel two: Mr. Auberjonois begins to back away from the class room as he notices the frogs in the case. Archie is walking along as he doesn’t notice a sign reading CAREFUL WET as the floor had just been cleaned. Archie is looking back as he continues his conversation.
 
Mr. Auberjonois: I…I’m going to make myself scarce. I’m allergic to frogs. Just one of those slimy creatures makes me break out in hives.
 
Archie: Really? I’ve never heard of being allergic to frogs.
 
Panel three Archie begins to slip and slide as he heads towards the table and the frog display.
 
Archie: Whoa! Whoa! Hey! Hey! Ah! Ah!
 
Panel four: Archie bumps into the table with enough force as it causes a the glass lid to pop open as the frogs leap out of the case and hop pass Archie. One of the frogs has a thought balloon of itself sitting on a log in the bayou playing a banjo.
 
Archie: Ommph!
 
SFX: pop
 
Frogs: ribbit ribbit!
 
Panel five: Archie turns around to see the frogs have landed on Mr. Auberjonois and he has broken out into hives as his face has swollen three times and his lips are puckered tight. Trula Twyst, Vic, Danny, and Chloe look on. Chloe is taking pictures of Mr. Auberjonois with her phone as she sticks her tongue out in disgust.
 
Archie: Hh. Now I’ve hear and seen someone allergic to frogs.
 
Page 7
 
Panel one: Mr. Auberjonois is sitting in the nurse’s office as his face is still swollen as Archie helps him sit down at the table. Ms. Armstrong (pretty blond nurse) is talking with Archie
 
Ms. Strongarm: My, Archie. What happened to this man? It looks like he was assaulted!!
 
Panel two: Archie accidentally steps on Mr. Auberjonois’ left foot as he walk towards Ms. Armstrong. Mr. Auberjonois winces in pain as it jolts from his foot to his spine and his fingers curl.
 
SFX: Crunch
 
Mr. Auberjonois: mmmphhhhrrr!!
 
Archie: Oh. He said he was allergic to frogs and he touched a few in my biology class.
 
Ms. Armstrong: Tsk tsk. Some people just think they’re invincible.
 
Panel three: Ms. Armstrong whispers into Archie’s ear as he nods.
 
Ms. Armstrong: A few shots should bring down the hives and swelling, but I need him relaxed and the size of the needles could stir him.
 
Archie: I’ll keep him distracted, Ms. Armstrong.
 
Panel four: Archie has a smile on his face as he talks with Mr. Auberjonois as Mr. Auberjonois glares at Archie. Ms. Armstrong is reaching into a drawer in the background.
 
Archie: Hey, Mr. Auberjonois! Want to hear about the time me and my family went to the Grand Canyon. It was great, we took pictures and met people and we even saw—
 
Panel five: Archie looks past Mr. Auberjonois as he sees the giant size needles that Ms. Armstrong is about to use to give a shot to a suddenly aware Mr. Auberjonois. The needle is a good ten inches long. Ms. Armstrong has his Mr. Auberjonois sleeve rolled up.
 
Archie: --The biggest needles I’ve ever seen in my life!!!
 
Auberjonois: Muh?
 
Panel six: Outside of the nurse’s office as Raj, Rob, and Shrill look towards the nurse’s office as Mr. Auberjonois screams in a pain and fear.
 
Mr. Auberjonois in the nurse’s office: MMMRRRHHHHHOOOWWW!!!
 
 
Page 8
 
Panel one: Archie is walking into the school library as Mr. Auberjonois is keeping his distance. He’s in even worse shape as his head is red, slightly swollen and his clothes are even more in a sad state. His hair is sticking straight up. He is not looking at Archie as he is looking and rubbing his arms where he had to get his shots from the school nurse. The double doors of the library door are about to hit Auberjonois.
 
Archie: I’m really sorry, Mr. Auberjonois! But the swelling has gone down!
 
Mr. Auberjonois: Yes. Those long, bone piercing shots really did the trick--!
 
Panel two: Archie looks ahead happily as he waves at Bobbi who is sitting at a table going over a text book; she waves back. The double doors swing back and hit Mr. Auberjonois right on the nose as he winces.
 
Archie: I like to come here during the free period and read a good book.
 
SFX: BOP
 
Panel three: Mr. Auberjonois jolts behind a book shelf as he holds his nose and tries to get away from Archie. Archie looks on in confusion.
 
Mr. Auberjonois: Fine! Just do it far away from me!!
 
Panel four: Archie is walking away along the book shelves to the very last one at the end as Mr. Auberjonois peeks from his hiding place like the book shelf is a barrier protecting him from all harm.
 
Mr. Auberjonois: I don’t care what’s happened to me! The damages to the locker, the display case, the frog loss—it still proves nothing!!
 
Panel five: Mr. Auberjonois tries to fix up his tatter of a tie as he tries to regain his calm, arrogant disposition.
 
Mr. Auberjonois thinking: …Just little mishaps. Flukes. Weatherbee’s neck is in the noose and I’m going to see him dangle from it!
 
Page 9
 
Panel one: Archie is at the other end of the book shelves as he is reading The Wizard of Oz as he eyes go wide with what he is reading. Archie is leaning against the book shelf as it begins to wobble. Ms. Laurrette is walking past Archie as she carrying a copy of King Lear under her arm.
 
Archie thinking: Wow! The book is way different than the movie! I’ll have nightmares about the Tin Woodsman and that ax!
 
Panel two: The shelf begins to fall back and hit the other shelf to knock that one back as it begins a domino effect. Archie nearly falls backwards, but Ms. Laurrette grabs him and keeps him from falling back.
 
Archie: Aaah!
 
Ms. Laurette: Archie! Careful these old shelves are unsteady!
 
SFX: THWUM THWUM
 
 
Panel three: Mr. Auberjonois is dialing a number on his cellphone as he has his back turned and does not notice the books shelves falling over with his shelf being next. He has a thought balloon over his head where a cartoon version of Mr. Weatherbee is being kicked out of Riverdale High to help illustrate his hypocrisy.
 
Mr. Auberjonois: I’m going to call an emergency school board meeting and give out my fair and unbiased report….
 
Panel four: A shadow falls over Mr. Auberjonois as he looks resigned in his fate as he clicks off the cellphone.
 
Cellphone: Hello?
 
SFX: THWUM
 
Mr. Auberjonois: (Sigh) Nevermind…
 
Panel five: Ms. Laurrette and Archie look ahead as they see Mr. Auberjonois get squashed by the book shelf off-panel. Ms. Laurrette’s face twists at what she sees as Archie winces as it looks so bad even he feels the pain.
 
SFX: THOOOM
 
Ms. Laurette: “There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.” Erma Bobeck.
 
Archie: What does that mean, Ms. Laurette?
 
Ms. Laurette: Be grateful we’re on the safe side of the line.
 
Page 10
 
Panel one: Mr. Weatherbee is in his office as he is preparing to leave for the day when the phone on his desk begins to ring.
 
SFX rring rring
 
Mr. Weatherbee: I wonder who this could be?
 
Panel two: Mr. Weatherbee answers the phone as he has a smile from ear to ear.
 
Phone: I’m just calling you to inform you that my investigation…is put on hold.
 
Mr. Weatherbee: Oh. Mr. Auberjonois, I heard about your accidents. I hope you’re feeling better.
 
Panel three: A shot of Mr. Auberjonois in his hospital bed as his arms and legs are in casts and on slings as his head is heavily bandaged. He has his cellphone leaned to his left ear as he tries to keep it to his face.
 
Mr. Auberjonois: Don’t be smug, Weatherbee! You and your little freckle face assassin haven’t seen the last of me!
 
Archie off-panel: Mr. Auberjonois, is that you…?
 
 
Panel four: Archie Andrews is walking into the hospital room as he is carrying a boutique of flowers that has several bees in it as Mr. Auberjonois goes wide eye with fear.
 
 Mr. Auberjonois: Oh no.
 
Archie: I’m really sorry what happened, so I came as soon as I could. I could buy any flowers, but I found these fresh ones that just smell great.
 
Archie: Here. Take a whiff.
 
Panel five: Mr. Weatherbee begins to put the phone down as Mr. Auberjonois is screaming in agony on the other end.
 
The phone: The bees! The bees! They’re in my eyes! They’re in my eyes!! AHHHGG--!!
 
Mr. Weatherbee: I really need to remember days like this when Archie reports to my office.
 

 


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