Panel one: Jughead is lying in a heap in his bed as his stomach is grumbling. Jughead has half the cover on him so we can see his shorts and feet. One of Jughead's socks has slipped off his foot. Jughead has his left arm over his eyes as he tries to ignore his stomach. Jughead's bed and room have various food wrappers and pizza boxes lying on the ground. On his door is a dart board of hate with Trula's picture on it with five darts on her smirking lips. Lying in a pile are various Derby Dalton comics. On a nearby counter is a picture of The Archies with a slice of pizza lying over it. We can see that he's mark over Reggie's face to give him a mustache and missing teeth.
Jughead's stomach: Forsythe Jones the 3rd, rise. We must venture forth early this Valentine's Day morn.
Jughead: No...Valentine's Day bad...hibernation good...
Panel two: Jughead's eyes pop open as his stomach continue to growl.
Jughead's stomach: Have you forgotten the layaway from a year past, my indolent host?
Panel three: Jughead leaps out of bed in pure excitement.
Jughead: The giant chocolate frosted sugar supreme bomb of Mama B's!!
Jughead: She only makes it once a year and they sell like hot cakes! I paid her a year in advance to make sure I got the biggest, bestest one!
Jughead's stomach: Yes, YES! Now, I will wait patiently. Digesting gum to bide the time.
Panel one: Jughead is at his front door as he begins to reach for the door knob as he licks his lips.
Jughead: One bite of that delectable sweet will make this entire rotten lovey dovey pish posh fricka frack I'll have to trudge through worth it!
Panel two: Jughead opens the door as Ethel is dressed up in a heart costume with a banner reading: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY. She has her lips puckered for a kiss as Jughead looks blankly at her.
Ethel: Do you know what today is, Juggie?
Panel three: Jughead just slams the door in her face nonchalantly.
Jughead: International Door Slamming Day.
Panel four: Jughead is walking away from the door as Ethel is knocking on the door.
Ethel outside: Hear that? That's my heart beating for you!
Jughead: Thought it was the theme to JAWS.
Panel five: Outside Ethel is kicking and punching at the door as Jughead is sneaking out a side window of the house.
SFX: KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.
Ethel: Jughead!! Come out!! It's the day of love!!
SFX: KICK KICK
Panel one: Ethel turns around to see Jughead running away into the distance.
Ethel: Sigh. He's so adorable when he plays hard to get.
Panel two: A close up on Ethel as she winks at the reader.
Ethel: But this year, Ethel Muggs came prepared.
Panel three: Jughead is looking back with a smile as he takes long strides down a sidewalk.
Jughead: Well, that's that for Ethel.
Panel four: Jughead is shocked to see Ethel, now dressed in regular clothes right behind him, holding a plate with a cloche over it. Jughead stops in mid stride as he looks on in disbelief that Ethel somehow got ahead of him.
Ethel: Juggie! Fancy running into you!
Caption: Wait, What?
Panel five: Jughead is talking to a caption box as Ethel is frozen in place. The caption box is right at Jughead's face ast they talk.
Jughead: Something wrong?
Caption: No. It's just.... Um...I get your stomach talking to you, but how did she get ahead of you?
Panel six: Jughead slightly shrugs his shoulders at the caption box as the caption box tilts as if trying to sneak off the panel.
Jughead: You understand how my stomach has gained independent sentience...? You're loony.
Caption: ...I'm just going to say out of the way for the rest of the story unless there's an emergency...
Panel one: Over the shoulders of Ethel as Ethel begins to lift the cloche as Jughead turns his head.
Ethel: So how about the juggie love ship deck Ethel bay with a kissie wissie?
Jughead: The S.S. Jughead has set shore and laid anchor at Never Going To Happen Land.
Panel two: Ethel has the cloche up to reveal a pile of delicious chocolate cookies with the chocolate bits shaped like harts. The aroma goes into his nostrils as he is overtaken. Jughead is reaching out with both hands for the cookies as he has his tongue hanging down his chin.
Jughead: Raise anchor! Set the sails!
Panel three: Ethel slams the lid back down as Jughead bangs his fingers against the cloche as he winces in pain as pain stars surround his hands.
Ethel: No so fast!
Panel four: Ethel holds out her head and puckers her lips for Jughead to kiss. Jughead is blowing into his pain riddled finger as he tries to blow away the pain stars over each digit. A jogger confused jogger looks on at Jughead not noticing an open manhole.
Ethel: If you want cookies in stomach I want lips on lips. A kiss for a cookie. Sugar for sugar.
Panel five: Jughead takes a step back off-panel as Ethel closes her eyes and can barely contain herself as she thinks she's finally going to get all the kisses she wants. The man is leaping out of the manhole as an alligator sticks it's head out to bite at him.
Jughead: Fine. Just give me a few seconds.
Panel one: The entire panel is black with only Ethel's thought balloon.
Ethel thought balloon: It's finally happening!
Panel two: Pure black as the first panel save for the thought balloon.
Ethel thinking: And Jughead is so happy! Listen to him pant and bark.
Panel three: The panel is pure black save for the middle to show Ethel is opening her eyes to see Hot Dog and Vegas charge at her with their tongues out and overjoyed to see her.
Ethel thought balloon: "Pant and bark"? What is--
Panel four: Hot Dog and Vegas leap at Ethel and knock her to the ground as the plate of cookies fly in the air and Jughead happily waits for it to fall into his open hands.
Panel five: In the foreground, Hot Dog and Vegas are licking Ethel's face all over as this tickles her as she struggles to stop them while laughing her head off. In the background, Jughead is walking away while eating the last cookie as he leaves the plate and cloche on the sidewalk. In the background, a penguin with a hand glider is dropping a box of chocolates to the alligator as it waves hello to the penguin.
Jughead: Kiss for cookies.
Jughead: It's for the dogs.
Ethel: Hee Hee! Stop Stop!!
Panel one: Jughead is walking past an antique shop called Golden Oldies Retros as he has a strut in his step as he is happy he got rid of Ethel for a bit. Walking past him is Maria and Frankie and Chuck and Nancy.All of Riverdale is decorated in red and pink with red hearts hanging on poles and even a stop light with hearts shaped lights. On other shop windows are various drawings of cartoon boys and girls giving each other cards.
Jughead: Well, took care of Ethel, and now to get my just reward.
Panel two: Jughead walks up to Mama B's bakery to see that a long light of teenage boys are waiting in line and out the sidewalk. Each one has a pink or red envelop in their arms. Jughead tips his hat as he's concerned by what he sees.
Jughead: Curses. There goes my hope and dreams of this being a six page story. If there's one thing I hate more than Valentine's Day, its extra work.
Jughead: Well, work in general. Just effort specifically.
Panel three: Jughead taps the shoulder of one of the angry teens in front of him as he is scribbling on a Valentine's Day card.
Angry teen: What'd ya want, string bean?
Jughead: Two things: one, when did everyone come down with a sever case of sweet tooth...
Jughead: ...and two, can I skip ahead. I already prepaid a year back and all the red and pink is making me nauseous. I'll be in and out.
Panel four: The teen grabs Jughead by collar and lifts him off the ground. Jughead's face remains stoic to everything.
Angry teen: We all forgot today was Valentine 's Day and we now we need to get our sweeties' chocolates to show how much we love them!
Jughead: Sounds to me you fellas forgot the wrong type of date.
Panel five: The angry teen to the approval of the other angry boyfriends toss Jughead right at the reader as Jughead does his best to try and flap his arms hoping it will help him fly and not be injured.
Angry teen: --And as for skipping ahead of us all after we've waited hours--
Angry teen: SCRAM!!!
Caption: EMERGENCY! Readers, duck! He's coming right at you!!
Panel one: Jughead falls into the arms of Moose as Jughead tips his hat to him.
Moose: Duh, Jughead I didn't know you could fly.
Jughead: Anything can fly if you propel if fast enough. It's the land that's normally the problem. Thanks, Moose.
Panel two: Moose sets Jughead down as Jughead looks back with a sinister glare at the line of boyfriends just a few feet away from him.
Jughead: So guess you're out getting gifts for Midge for his hallmark holiday.
Moose: Nah, I don't read books. But I did get my Midgie a few Valentine 's Day gifts last week. Only the best for Midge.
Jughead: Huh. Funny thing...
Panel three: Jughead points back at the line of teens who are all reading and comparing cards. Over the left side of the panel we can see Moose become enraged as blood vessels in his arms and fists pop out.
Jughead: Those guys were getting the best chocolates for Midge. I told them the lady was spoken for, but they gave me the heave ho.
Moose: IS. THAT. SO.
Panel four: Moose's finger taps the angry teen's shoulder as he begins to turn around, not knowing who it is.
Angry teen: Look, needle nose, I'm getting my girl her stupid chocolate and that's that!!
Angry Teen: Wah---?
Panel five: Moose is towering over the angry teen and all the other teenage boys waiting in line as he looks demonic. Moose has flaming skulls in his eyes and his skin tone is a bright red as he is so enraged. Moose's hair is standing up straight. Steam is erupting from Moose's ears like a volcano and he is snorting flames. Behind him Moose, Jughead is pointing with a free hand at the sign he is holding that reads: You say scram, I say VAMOOSE.
Panel one: Jughead is at the counter to Mama B's as Mama B is confused as to what happened to all her customers as she walks back behind the counter from the back. She has small specks of floor on her face and apron. Jughead has set the sign he had on the counter as play innocent.
Mama B: Jughead! Where did you come from?
Jughead: If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me that, I'd have Hiram Lodge as my butler.
Panel two: A close-up on Jughead as he has his arms folded on the counter as he eagerly waits to get his chocolate frosted supreme sugar bomb. Mama B is trying to hold her laughter as she is reaching down behind the counter. In the background through the windows Mama B's, Moose is still chasing after every guy who was waiting ahead of Jughead.
Mama B: I meant what happened to that long line, child.
Jughead: Well, let's just say, Cupid's arrow isn't the only thing that's going to strike them today.
Panel three: Mama B opens a large sized flat box that the reader can't see over her shoulders but Jughead looks at it as his face twists in disgust.
Mama B: It doesn't matter, and don't fret, Mama B has an elephant's memory. I know why you're here. I made you treat just how you like it and even gave it a special design for the holiday.
Jughead: It's like something from my nightmares.
Panel four: Mama B closes the lid and pulls the box back slightly much to Jughead's chagrin.
Aunt B. Well, if you don't like it, I can just give you your money back. I'm sure someone else would appreciate--
Panel five: Jughead snatches the box as Aunt B chuckles to herself.
Jughead: I eat with my eyes closed and mouth wide open. This is not a problem!
Mama B: Mmm-humm.
Panel one: Jughead looks at the box in his hand with a smile as he struggles to carry it, happy with his purchase as he walks back to his home as he is now in a suburban area of Riverdale.
Jughead: Not a fan of the chocolate sculpting, but I don't understand how an unfinished statue with no arms is considered a work of art.
Jughead: Besides, it will be delicious. I waited a year for this. Nothing is going to ruin this for me.
Panel two: Jughead is turning the corner as he hears a noise that stops him in his track.
Ethel off panel: Sob Sob.
Panel three: Ethel is sitting on the sidewalk crying into her arms as Jughead looks on sympathetically. Sitting next to her is Hot Dog and Vegas. Hot Dog leans his head sympathetically towards her while Vegas licks her elbow as he tries to make her feel better.
Ethel: (sniff sniff) All I wanted...was to wish him a Happy Valentine's day...!
Ethel: (Sob sob) And maybe just one little kiss...is just one kiss asking so much....
Panel four: Jughead looks down at the box as he exhales and his lips flutter his facial expression is one that says" easy come, easy go."
Panel five: Jughead walks up to Ethel and taps her shoulder as Ethel turns her head up towards him.
Panel six: Jughead offers the box with his chocolate frosted sugar supreme bomb inside as Ethel is perplexed by Jughead's actions and words.
Jughead: This is the best anyone can ever hope for.
Panel one: Betty and Veronica are walking along the street as Betty and Veronica are each carrying several boxes of different size and shapes of candy.
Veronica: Bettykins, I'd have to say this was a nice year for us both.
Betty: And even better day for our dentist, Ronnie.
Panel two: Betty and Veronica are walking down the same street that Jughead had been before he saw Ethel from the last page. Veronica is rolling her eyes and smiling at Betty's comment.
Betty: I say we share with our friends. Like Ethel. Poor girl spends her entire day chasing the same boy all for naught. I can't imagine what that's like.
Veronica: Sure you can't.
Panel three: Betty turns to Veronica to argue as a wide eyed Veronica is pointing straight ahead.
Betty: I saw that! I saw you roll your eyes!
Veronica: Really? Good. Now look at that and tell me what I'm seeing!
Panel four: In the foreground, Ethel is standing up and is kissing the now revealed giant puckered lips chocolate frosted sugar bomb as she has melted chocolate covering her face and dripping down her arms as Hot Dog and Vegas happily wait for each chocolate drop to hit their extended tongues as they happily wag their tails. In the background, Betty and Veronica are in shock and let their arms down and their valentine candy falls at their feet.
Ethel: VALENTINE'S DAY